


I can't do this anymore

by WretchedThorium



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-28
Updated: 2016-06-10
Packaged: 2018-06-05 03:18:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 17
Words: 34,478
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6687037
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WretchedThorium/pseuds/WretchedThorium
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tobin Heath is not usually one to give up on people. Christen Press is not usually one to open up to people, let alone forgive them. Kelley is not one to settle. Hope is not one to date girls... So what is up with these gals?</p>
<p>These girls lives intertwine on and off the field. Often fueled by alcohol. Which makes for some devastating outcomes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Hopeless

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys, hope you enjoy! Constructive feedback is always welcomed. The timeline is not accurate, so as Tobin would want you to - go with the flow.

######  November 23, 2015 

“What’s wrong with you?” She said with an annoyed expression. 

The pain of seeing her girlfriend hold a glass to her mouth and gulp the alcohol in one, caused a pang in Tobin’s chest.

“Shirley, STOP. Quit your shit!” Tobin yelled into Shirley’s face, and grabbed the shot of whiskey that Shirley was about to reach for on the bar, causing it to spill everywhere. 

“Ya! Me estais cansando! Dejame en paz! You’re ruining the vibe. Seriously, go save someone else." Shirley slurs as she waves off Tobin.

“I can’t clean up after you. Do you understand me? Look at me. I can’t do this- ” Tobin hushes all of this into her girlfriend's face and the words come out rapidly. Her eyes dart back and forth on Shirley’s face, searching for any sign of understanding or if there was even an actual human being behind that slack expression. All she finds is a dazed look. Tobin knew that she was gone. 

“Hey, listen to me.”

The midfielder demanded like she has several times before.

“I can’t do this any-” Tobin quickly shuts up as her girlfriend splashes a fruity drink taken off another table, onto her face and neck. Closing her eyes, to reflect on the hopelessness of the situation, she begged that life would stop this nonsense for her. She ran a hand through her hair, wiped off all of the drink of her shirt and jacket, and got up from the bar stool she sat on when she spotted Shirley at the bar. Shirley just gave a drunken smirk and ran in some direction to some people Tobin had never seen before in her life. 

_What the fuck am I still doing here?_

Tobin stormed out. _I don’t have to fucking deal with this shit. None of this is my fault. I got rid of all the alcohol in our apartment, the small bottles hidden in her socks, the big bottles underneath the sink, and even did my best to empty out the vinegar bottles which I learned recently while making food was full of vodka. I can’t keep my eye on her all the time.._

RAGE. That was the first emotion. That’s the only raw emotion that coursed through her veins. With every stomp, she imagined it was on her girlfriend’s face. Her body was tense and she could feel her muscles flex as she let out a yell of frustration and slammed her hands into the brick wall of the side of the bar. An animalistic anger unleashed itself and she punched the wall a few times, not even caring about the damage to her hand. Quarter sized pieces of skin quickly peeled off and the blood dripped down her fingers like a river. Her blood was pumping and she could feel her heart beat through her chest. 

_10--9--8--7--6--5--4--3--2--1--0_ she counted. When she was done with her countdown, her body started shaking from the shot adrenaline that went through her body for the few seconds she had her outburst. She noticed people stopped to stare at her. She kept walking. 

Halfway down the block from the bar, she slowed. With every slowing step, she realized more and more of the current state of her situation. As she got to the street corner, she looked around her, and then looked up to the sky and to the God that has been there for her up until now. _Fuck._

It came all of a sudden, like a wave crashing through her system. It bubbled up to the brim and Tobin could not control herself anymore. A sob burst from her mouth and her body collapsed. She crouched down as her system did not have the strength to hold her up anymore. The grief flowed through her veins and her whole body felt the pain course through. The sobbing was uncontrollable and she just let the tears accumulate in the palm covering her face, while the other clutched her chest. 

_I can’t do this anymore._


	2. Settling

Kelley and her friend Ann strolled down the streets of Manhattan Beach, enjoying the LA weather and the cool ocean breeze that blew through. It felt good on her skin. The cool chill Cali vibes were pulsing through the air. This weather was making a pleasant evening for Kelley, so much better than her morning. Great sushi and the sand were buzzing in her head and she turned to Ann as they walked down the street. _Maybe this is enough for me.This is good and easy._

As the pair strolled down the streets in their comfortable silence, Kelley's thoughts in her mind started to spin all of a sudden. When Kelley got quiet, it was not a good thing. The silence made her ruminate over what happened last weekend. _I do NOT want to think about that._ The morning practices that the USWNT had this week did not help much since that meant that she would see Hope Solo everyday. Or rather, she would see Hope Solo actively ignore her everyday.The prospect of surfing with Tobin and Ashlyn within a few days on their day off was the only thing that would get Kelley through the week.

Speaking of Tobin, Kelley spotted a lanky figure that looked exactly like her. Except this was a maniac punching the wall of some building on the street. Kelley watched from a distance and was about to chalk it up to being a psycho, when she finally saw Tobin’s face as she walked a few feet and then crouched down with her face buried in her hand. Tobin’s whole body was heaving and Kelley’s heart broke at the sight of her friend in desperation and complete sadness. Kelley was familiar with this image of her friend, a sobbing, heaving mess.

Kelley looked both ways before she crossed the street to Tobin, and Ann closely followed. 

“Hey, Kid” She softly whispered to Tobin. She picked her friend’s body up and Tobin simply complied and buried her face further into her hands in a futile attempt to hide her weakness from Kelley. 

“Hey, it’s going to be okay. I got you. You’re with me,” Kelley said in an attempt to soothe the midfielder. Tobin collapsed in her arms, feeling the embrace and warmth of someone’s touch and let it envelop her as she dismantled in public. 

Tobin's body continued heaving and as she struggled to explain that it wasn’t her fault in between sobs. "IT’S NOT MY FAULT. IT’S NOT MY FAULT " she cried over and over again.

After holding her friend for what felt like eternity, Kelley signaled Ann to help her guide Tobin into Ann’s car which was a block away. Kelley threw her friend’s limp body into the back seat and cradled her as Ann drove them to their hotel that they were staying at while they were at camp for their victory tour. Kelley shot Ann an apologetic look as she draged Tobin to her room. _She will forgive me. She always does._

\--

“I know its not your fault, babe. Look at me. What happened?” Kelley kneeled in front of Tobin, who was hunched over at the edge of Kelley’s bed. She removed the hands that covered Tobin’s face and gently placed them in the midfielder's lap, not wanting to startle the girl in front of her. After all, the whole ride home and through the trip up into Kelley's room, Tobin had not removed her face from the shield of her hands, embarrassed at herself. 

Tobin couldn't think, let alone construct a coherent sentence to spit out. She remembered waiting at her hotel room for two hours after training and wondering where Shirley was since she wasn’t responding to any of her texts. Her phone, the pacing, the frustration that boiled over at the thought of Shirley’s broken promise to be good when they were in LA. She stormed out of the hotel earlier, knowing that Shirley broke down and went to get her fix. She spilled all of this to Kelley and as the details of the scene at the bar came back to her, Tobin’s voice grew angrier and she had her fists clenched. 

**IT’S NOT MY FAULT.**

Kelley grabbed Tobin’s fists and pried them open so that they would unclench. Reassuring Tobin that none of this was her fault was the most important thing, Kelley knew. She knew that Tobin was going through a rough time and the details of Tobin's relationship were not exactly secret. She knew that Shirley drank 24/7 and that the last few times they hung out, Shirley had passed out after she had tried to make out with everyone in their group, Kelley included. _Yep, Shirley had issues._

Kelley ran her hand down the midfielder's face in order to offer some soothing comfort, some kind of love that she knew Tobin was not receiving. She watched as Tobin grew angry, and then watched as Tobin's face fell in sadness in the span of ten seconds.

“I know that I messed up Kelley. I did this to her,” Tobin said suddenly as she hung her head in defeat. The anger and force of her words protesting her blame in all of this was gone, instantly. 

With that, Kelley stood up and exploded, “DON”T EVER SAY THAT! DON’T. YOU ARE NOT THE REASON SHE IS LIKE THIS!” 

All Kelley could do was yell her head off as she did her best to get through to Tobin. She cared so much for her, it hurt her so much to see Tobin blaming herself for Shirley’s alcoholism over and over again. She knew what it was like to have someone else constantly blame you for their own questionable actions. _Why can’t you see that you deserve more? Your actions didn’t shove those drinks down her throat._

Kelley rested her forehead on Tobin’s and cupped her face in her hands. All Kelley could do was hold Tobin while they absorbed the night.

Tobin heard the hotel door click.

“Umm.... Should I leave?” Christen said.

_Fuck._ Kelley forgot that Christen was her roommate.


	3. Embarrassment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first time Tobin met Christen. Or so she thinks. It is safe to say that it didn't go well. Flashback** make sure you pay attention to the dates.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Hit my up at my tumblr @wretchedthorium for any asks of comments! I like the response I got, so keep them coming!

###### May 2012:

_I really should just give up. I can make an excuse. The “my father went to the emergency room” trick always works. No one would dare question you if you gave that excuse, right?_

_Somehow, my feet are still walking to the pitch. Why can’t I stop them to turn around? Ughhhhhh._

Christen stepped on the pitch in Carson, CA for the first time as an official member of the senior team for the USWNT. Well, the reserve/bench team, but that was still one step closer to her dream. It was a spectacular moment as she took in the sights. The perfect grass, the freshly laid out chalk lines, and the training equipment organized all throughout the field. It was neat, it was organized, and it was a perfect field for soccer for Christen. She had arrived an hour early, hoping to calm her nerves and take a few shots on the pitch by herself before anyone showed up. This was the only thing that would have helped Christen's state of mind. She was a bundle of nerves and doubts were swimming through her brain for the past week. She didn't think she was ready for this, yet she was here. 

Since she lived in LA, she was probably the only player that didn't need to be shuttled to the pitch from the flights and hotels. An hour was just enough according to her planner, so her dad dropped her off at the field knowing that the team would head to the hotels after the session. She had her water bottle and ball with her as her weapons to slay.

Unfortunately, she was not alone. Some of the studio 90 staff were setting up cameras and microphones. Makeup artists were standing around and it looked like a photoshoot was happening right there on the field. Christen spotted the only person who looked like a soccer player on the field and her face went red. It was Tobin Heath. _Why is it always Tobin Heath? I swear to God._

Christen knew all about the midfielder. She had played against her a few times when Christen was still in college, and the first time she saw Tobin, something weird happened. Something that had never really happened before. Christen did a double-take as Tobin Heath and her team passed her by. Her heart started racing, and she could feel the pulse beat against her skin in her chest and fingertips, and she didn't know it, but her pupils dilated to twice it's size. She noticed the mysterious girl’s flawless skin, her messy hair, and her infectious grin as she laughed at her teammate. It was that smile that Christen could not stop thinking about. _That damn smile._ She would compulsively steal glances at Tobin every once in awhile during warm ups and during the game. Christen’s team ended up losing, but she couldn’t even recall the score. All she could think about that night was Tobin. Her legs, her strong jaw line, and her slow and relaxing voice that said, “Hey good game” at the end when they all shook the other teams hands. When their hands touched, Christen felt that roller coaster feeling of her stomach dropping.

_Get it together, Christen. You don't even like girls._

Christen Press just convinced herself that maybe this was all just because she wanted to be like the girl. That happened all the time growing up for Christen. She would meet a girl that would stand out from the others. It was almost always a girl who may not have worn dresses to school dances, but instead opted to wear a shirt and tie, or it may have been a girl who just looked like she was more comfortable in their own skin to act/wear/be unlike "most girls". Christen like to think that was just because she admired people doing whatever they wanted, even if it was against the norms, because it showed strength. Plus, what did normal or "most girls "even mean? But Christen didn't want to think it was because she actually liked girls... _Nah. That's not it._

It had been a few years since then, so Christen felt it was necessary to feign confidence as she walked towards Tobin, wanting to set her national team career on the right foot. _I’m on the senior team now. No one should be able to get under my skin. I’m part of the best now._ All she had to do was finally formally introduce herself and tell her that she was looking forward to working with her. _Like a normal human being._

Tobin spotted Christen walking up to her and shot her the biggest grin. For a second, this caused Christen's heart to flutter.

“Hey thanks kid,” Tobin said, and grabbed the water bottle out of Christen’s hand and stole the ball from her feet. Tobin grabbed the towel around her neck and tossed it to Christen. “Aaron wanted me to give you this.. I appreciate it. You guys are the best” Tobin says to Christen before giving her a wink. The midfielder dribbled away with the ball, and Christen was left on the side of the pitch with her mouth wide open. 

_Did Tobin Heath just mistake me for a water girl?_

Christen quietly exited the field. All she could do was disappear and hope that no one witnessed what just happened.

_Maybe this isn’t for me. How can she not recognize me? I have literally spoken to her at least a handful of times. I mean a casual “good game” constitutes a conversation right?_

_I am so over Tobin Heath._

This experience needed to be left behind in order to have a good national team experience. Christen walked away and around the training field until she regained her composure. She was just in time for the team meeting before the training session with the trainers. 

_Thank GOD_. She saw Kelley O’ Hara first, and she couldn’t be happier to see a familiar face. They hugged and embraced, each clinging on to each other like they would never let go. They had a bond that only a school like Stanford could create, and Christen looked over at Kelley, knowing that she found her greatest ally. She was going to need one to save her from herself around Tobin, who was looking at her with her mouth wide open.

\--

Tobin ran around like a child hugging Amy, Cheney, and Alex. It was so great to see her best friends again, all in one city! _We are going to crush it this year! Last year didn’t matter. Fresh start, new goals, stronger team._

Everyone started filing in as multiple shuttles were dropped around the fields. With everyone person that showed up, Tobin would greet each and every one like they were a long lost sister that she hadn't seem for many years of her life. This was one of the best parts of camps for Tobin. She, like most of her teammates, were never guaranteed a spot in camp, so every year was a blessing to Tobin. Every time she saw a familiar face on the first day of camp was like a family reunion.

The training staff was just about to get started on their opening speech, when Tobin noticed the Studio 90 girl from before walked up to the huddle. She started hugging Kelley, and the two embraced each other. _Maybe they’re just really close friends....?_ Tobin thought it was a little weird that Kelley was so chummy with the US Soccer staff, but hey there was nothing wrong with that. It wasn’t until she saw that the Studio 90 girl had the same training shorts and tank that Tobin was wearing, and the fact that Kelley was guiding her to the huddle that Tobin realized who Christen was.

_FUCK._

Tobin instantly got red all over from embarrassment. Her demeanor changed completely as the realization sunk in. She could not believe that she mistakenly took the newest national team player as a Studio 90 staff. All she could do was hang their with her mouth open wide and look like an idiot as she stared at the girl who was giggling with Kelley.

“You might want to close that gob of yours. She might think you have a crush on her,” Alex smirked as she closed Tobin’s mouth her hand. She glared at Alex, signaling her to shut up.

The team eventually split up and started their warm up and initial fitness sessions with the trainers. The midfielder did not end up at any of the stations that Christen was at, but she kept looking for her, hoping to bump into her. She did not want to seem like the douchiest person ever, and only wanted the chance to explain. Tobin rocked up and down on her toes in order to look for Christen, hoping to spot her. The best thing to do was to confront it head on and earlier so that she didn't have to start on the wrong foot with one of the newest team members. She didn’t have such luck until the end when the team broke up to head to the bus that would take them back to their hotel. As the team were gathering all of their bags, Tobin dribbled the ball to where Christen and Kelley were walking. She kicked the ball in between Kelley’s legs and then Christen’s, earning a playful shove from Kelley. She always loved messing around at practice with Kelley, but her mission was to talk to Christen.

“Hey, I’m sorry about earlier,” Tobin whispered to Christen, as she leaned and playfully bumped her shoulder “It was an honest mistake, I didn’t know that there would be anyone else on the team on the field since it was just me and the studio 90 guys. I’m Tobin and I'm an idiot, by the way,” she timidly offered her hand, already embarrassed by her behavior. 

“Don’t worry about it,” Christen says unconvincingly. She hastily shook Tobin’s hand and flashes a half-hearted smile at her, only to quickly catch up with Kelley, leaving Tobin to feel even more embarrassed.

_She's never going to forgive me. It's all my fault._


	4. Defeat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kelley's looking to push all of Hope's buttons

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took place on the first day of camp for the current year! Back to the present!

###### November 23, 2015 (Morning) 

_It’s not my fault._

_How can any of this be pinned on me? Kelley knows that I am MARRIED now. Whatever, no one has to know about this. Kelley has never said anything, I’ve never said anything. It’s all good. No one will know -- is that a hickey? Fuck.._

Hope arched her neck so that she could get a better look in the bathroom mirror of her hotel. The red mark on her neck, O’hara’s lips, the first wine she has had in a long time, the back of a team van. All of it flashed in her head. And then she looked down on her left ring finger. It’s heavy. It’s heavy on her hand and it’s heavy on her mind. _Why do I have to be married? Why do I do this EVERY camp? I can’t do this anymore. I can't do this to Kelley anymore._

Hope rummaged through her bathroom toiletries and looked for the lid of her chapstick. She hastily wrung the lid on the skin of her hickey. _I’m definitely blaming O’hara for this._

\--

“Hey superstar!” Kelley timidly poked Hope in the butt as Hope was standing in line to get breakfast. Kelley knew this would not get her the smile that she desperately wanted from Hope, but when did that ever stop Kelley. As expected, Hope just gave her a chastising look that was usually reserved for a defender who made a questionable call in their back line in their defensive half.

“Hey, lighten up Solo. It’s not like anyone can see that hickey on your neck,” Kelley offered. Again, probably that was not going to make Hope any happier. But for Kelley, this camp was all about pushing buttons. It was her mission. Maybe if she pushed enough she would push the right button and it would force Hope to talk about them. Of course, Kelley had no idea what they were, but it at least deserved an acknowledgement or a conversation.

Hope hastily put her ponytail on the left side of her neck to cover the hickey. “This is all your fault” she hushed to Kelley, while looking around to see if their teammates were in sight, “You knew that I was going to get a hickey.”

“Solo, you’re crazy. I'm not the one with a husband.” Kelley shook her head.

Hope quickly stormed off. Kelley only gave it a thought for a split second and quickly jogged off to Hope. Maybe she had just pushed the right button. Hope opted to take the stairs to the second floor and could hear Kelley’s three steps to her one. She knew that the younger girl was following her, but she wasn’t quite ready to have a conversation with her. She quickly keyed into her hotel room, but didn’t bother to shut the door, knowing that Kelley was going weasel her way in. If she had shut her out, Tobin, her roommate this camp, was probably going to key her in the room, anyway.

As Hope walked back into her hotel room, she suddenly realized, she was going to be alone in a room with a bed with Kelley O'Hara. Hope quickly changed her tune and headed for Kelley in order to rush her out of the room. On second thought, she wasn’t ready to face her and all Kelley wanted to do was talk about feelings now, or worse, she didn't want to talk. Hope put her arms out in order to shield Kelley from getting further and gently pushed Kelley back to the door, silently signaling her to leave.

Kelley instantly knew what Hope was doing since the goalkeeper had done this to her many nights in their hotel rooms, kicking her out. She rolled her eyes and complied as she walked backwards while Hope shuffled her out, used to the drill. But then she remembered her original mission for this camp. She planted her back to the door once she made contact with it, and gave Hope a glare as the keeper bumped into her, not expecting Kelley to stop.

Kelley immediately got hot as Hope’s body touched hers. Last time they were like this was a few days ago in the back of a team van and their clothes were off. This moment felt like it did seconds before Hope grabbed Kelley and planted her on her lap in the backseat before the two melted into each other and got lost in each other’s skin for three hours. Kelley could feel Hope’s heart beat. Hope placed her left hand on the door above Kelley, while her right hand spun Kelley quickly around and pulled her in closer so that Hope’s was buried in the back of Kelley’s neck. The older woman's hand gripped tightly around the younger girl's stomach. The pair stood there for what felt like eternity and Kelley could only give in to Hope’s intimate moments, ones that she longed for. She closed her eyes as she felt Hope’s heart start to beat slower against her own body.

She only opened her eyes when she heard the door handle turn and open. She looked down to see Hope’s left hand had reached around her to open the door.

Kelley didn’t say anything, as she knew that that open door was the painfully familiar signal for her to leave. She broke down as she left the room, not looking back at Hope, who was staring at the ground.


	5. Fuck Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Tobin, I can’t say that what happened wasn’t wrong. But her drinking was not caused by you. End. Of. Story”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys! Enjoy this next chapter. Leave your comments and please let me know what you think! or hit me up at tumblr @wretchedthorium

###### November 23, 2015 (Back in Kelley's room) 

Kelley quickly stepped away from Tobin, who straightened up as well at the sight of Christen. Tobin quickly wiped her tears away in order to save face.

“Hey,” was all that Kelley could muster as Christen stood in the door motionless and unsure of how to proceed. “Chris, this isn’t what it looks like,” Kelley shook her head with widened eyes. Tobin to furrowed her brow in confusion at that.

_That’s a weird statement._

Tobin quickly got up and shuffled around, “Sorry Chris, Kelley was helping me out. But I’ll get out of your hair,” She mumbled. Kelley stood off to the side and scanned her best friend’s face, recognizing the small amount of anger boiling to the surface. _No. I’m not doing this again. This isn’t going to be a thing between Chris and I anymore._ “Look, Tobin found Shirley at the bar. DRUNK. I brought Tobin here when I found HER at the side of the bar.” Kelley stated.

“Listen, I’ll go see what I can do to round up Shirley, okay?” She said to Tobin who quietly nodded. Kelley offered a friendly pat on Christen’s arm, who seemed to soften at the touch. She gave Kelley a reassuring nod as the defender quickly left the room. _Thank god she gets it. I can't deal with this anymore._

Tobin moved her feet to follow suit, but Christen’s fingers lightly grazed Tobin’s wrist as she was walking out. The slightest of touch so faint, Tobin was not even a hundred percent sure that she felt it. But she could see Christen’s shoulders unnaturally still, her eyes focused on the ground, and her fingers lazily outstretched, centimeters away from Tobin’s wrist. Tobin stopped in her tracks.

RESTRAINT. For the billionth time today, the pace of Tobin's heart beat picked up. The silence was filled with tension radiated from both of their skins and it made Tobin’s head spin. She looked at Christen’s lips, her eyes, seeing that her pupils widened as they noticed that Tobin’s is looking straight into them. Tobin saw the quick movement of Christen’s tongue as it licks her lips wet, a habit of hers when Tobin was around. Restraint. 

“What happened?” Christen whispered as she drew in closer to the midfielder. She quickly averted her eyes back to the ground, afraid of what would happen if she kept eye contact with Tobin. 

“She gave up on me. For the last time.” Tobin whisperred back. Her eyes pooled with tears and then fell down her face. It’s not until a tear drop rolled off her face and onto Christen's arm that Christen's head shot up to look straight into Tobin’s eyes again for the second time.

GUILT. When Christen’s eyes looked up again to give Tobin the time of day, Tobin’s body was overwhelmed. The guilt broke through the gates and flooded her brain and body. It poured out as she broke down and sobbed. Much more than when she was found at the side of the bar, did Tobin break down, knowing that she was in the safety of the person that was causing her to have another breakdown, not stricken by grief, but by guilt.

She mourned the fact that at the sight of Christen, she feels more guilty for thinking about being in between Christen’s legs more than the loss of the old Shirley that she fell in love with once upon a time. Tobin backed up to the hallway wall in the hotel room and collapsed on the floor while her body heaved. Christen crouched down quickly, getting on level with the beautiful disaster before her.

“She didn’t give up on you. She gave up on herself.” Christen quietly whispered to Tobin, as she rested her forehead on the midfielder's. 

“You are the best person I have ever met. No one in their sober mind would give up on you. This. Is. Not. Your. Fault.” She said firmly as she gripped Tobin’s wrists firmly.

“Chris,” Tobin whimpers, “I destroyed her.”

“Tobin, I can’t say that what happened wasn’t wrong. But her drinking was not caused by you. End. Of. Story.”

“I promised her all of me. And I failed. I FAILED. I deserve this. Her drinking intensified after me. I fucked up.”

With the last three words that came out of Tobin’s words, Christen backed off and stood up, ceasing all physical touch with the last person she would want to do that with. Her eyes fell to the ground again, their resting place. _Fucked up. Fucked up. Fuck up. Fuck up._ Those words played on repeat as whispers and then progressed to shouts in her head. _Fuck up._

“Am I your fuck up?” It’s not a really a question, but a realization out loud for Christen. 

Tobin shook her head furiously and wiped at her eyes. “ No no no no no no no tha-” Tobin shoots back up. From all those times that Tobin stared at Christen on the field during matches, she could quickly read Christen’s body, seeing that it was making it’s way to the door. Tobin caught the forward from behind just in time, wrapping her arms around Christen’s waist, and shut the door that was half opened by Christen. 

The door closed and locked. Christen suddenly sobbed as she felt the pang in her chest when Tobin firmly restrains her from leaving the room.

“Please” Tobin pleaded repeatedly into the nape of Christen’s neck. The pair stand there wrapped tightly together for a silent minute. Christen knew that she should have enjoyed the rare moment that Tobin’s hands are holding her close, close enough to feel the warmth of her body. It had been such a really long time since Tobin held her.

_Fuck up. Fuck up. Fuck up._

“I can’t do this anymore, Tobs”

Tobin felt Christen leave her embrace and the door close. 

###### June 20, 2013

_Why do I always end up in awkward situations with Christen Press. Why is it always Christen Press?_

Tobin kept it cool when Kelley mentioned that her, Tobin, and Alex were meeting the forward in Manhattan Beach, their favorite spot since their days with the Pali Blues. 

“Cool, cool” She nodded.

“What’s the deal with you two, by the way?” Kelley smirked. _Like I don’t know..._

“What do you mean?” Tobin feigned ignorance.

“Oh, please, Tobs. You get along with literally everyone BUT Pressy, who by the way, is an amazing person.”

Tobin just shrugged. 

“Well, can you two please get along? She already gets weird when I tell her that I’m hanging with you.”

“Hey, I didn’t do anything. I tried and tried. I still try, I say ‘hi’ to her every single time and she just gives me this weird look. Trust me, Kelley, I TRY.”

“Fine, well try again, today” Kelley says as she rolls her eyes.

“I’ll give her the Tobin Heath charm. Plus, Tobin Heath is not one to give up on people” She said with a smirk. Alex snorted at the statement, totally amused by the whole conversation. Tobin slipped into her wetsuit, and worked the wax across her board. She enjoys doing this with Kelley and Alex. She doesn’t get to do it much anymore since she spends most of her time in love with Shirley in Paris. She looked over at Kelley who was hilariously struggling to get into her own wetsuit, and she remembers to catalog this as a moment of appreciation for O’hara, a lifelong friend.

They trio surfed for a few hours and are chilling in the sand, when Kelley suddenly gets up and sprints at two figures in the distance. She sees Kelley jump and wrap her legs around Ann and --

Tobin gulped. Hard. 

Panic spread as Tobin was taken aback of the sight of Christen Press in a simple black bikini. As the trio got closer, Tobin’s eyes involuntary analyzed every inch of skin on the forward. 

“Heey earth to Tobs! You remember Ann?” Kelley’s voice sends Tobin back to reality and she hastily greeted Ann and then mutterred something to Alex about catching the waves.

_Well, my plan of letting things go and forgiving her are out the window. She didn’t even greet me, but greets Ann, who isn’t even a teammate of hers...This is always how it’s going to be with Tobin Heath._

Christen resolves to forget about it as her, Ann, and Alex set up their chairs on the sand and break out the juice wines to sip on while their friends surf. 

Tobin had to get out of there. SHIRLEY SHIRLEY SHIRLEY SHIRLEY SHIRLEY SHIRLEY buzzed in her head.

_The way Shirley talks, the way she walks, the way we talk about futbol. The way she says ‘te amo.’ The ways her fingers feel laced into mine. I can feel the calluses lined around her palm. Her laugh._

Tobin checked off the list of all of the things that made her fall in love with Shirley. She listed them out in her head as she surfed.

_CALM. I need to calm the nerves. I just miss Shirley. Her skin reminds me of Shirley’s._

Tobin saw that Kelley was heading back to the shore, so she followed suit. As she got close to where Ann was, she saw Christen’s calf lying in the sand. Knee. Thigh. Bottoms. She paused as she would not let her mind register what was underneath those black bottoms. Her Abs, breasts hidden behind her top. Tobin felt something between her legs as she stared at Christen’s lips wrapped around a straw to her wine box. Then, Tobin felt guilty that she didn’t mind that it was Christen’s body that she was looking at instead of Shirley’s.

“Tobin Heath charm my ass” Kelley chuckles to herself as she closes Tobin’s wide open mouth while her stare is fixed on Christen.

“You better stop, or she might think you like her” Kelley said quietly, smirking at Tobin.

“Shut up” Tobin shoved her in the arm. Kelley noticed that Tobin didn’t even make an attempt to deny it. Alex just chuckles. 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


	6. Culmination

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Did I ruin something?” Christen whispers closely to Tobin. Their faces mere centimeters away as Christen focuses on Tobin’s lips. 
> 
> “I think so” Tobin quietly said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Listen to 'Omen' By disclosure ft. Sam Smith

######  2014 (Algarve Cup) 

“It’s not your fault!” Shirley said to Tobin. She didn’t want her girlfriend thinking that leaving Paris to play for America in the Algarve Cup was at all the reason for acting weird for the past few days. “Plus, I will be having the girls over with drinks to keep me company.”

Tobin didn’t have much time to mope around when she landed in Portugal. It was training, recovery, and more training. She felt guilty sometimes when she couldn’t respond to Shirley’s texts until midnight, but she was happy when Shirley would send her pictures of her and her PSG teammates out drinking and having a good time. It eased Tobin’s mind knowing that Shirley wasn’t miserable and was living her life. It left time for Tobin to enjoy her friends.

Speaking of friends, or lack thereof, the only blip in Tobin’s bliss was Christen Press. The two never really got over the awkwardness of their first encounter and Press basically shut down any attempts by Tobin to create a friendship. So it left Tobin to resort to just always saying hi to her everyday, in hopes that she would catch the forward on a cheery day. 

“Hey Chris,” Tobin said. Her and Alex were pouring some coffee when Christen and Kelley walked in for breakfast.

“Hey Tobs. How are you?” Christen said cheerily. This took Tobin by surprise on how genuinely cheery the forward’s response was.

“I’m good. C-coffee?” She hesitantly lifted the pot to offer to Christen, who took it graciously. She flashed Tobin a huge grin and patted her on the arm as a sign of thanks. All of a sudden, Tobin became hyper aware of Christen’s touch and her whole body tensed. 

_That was weird._

Tobin put the coffee down and Kelley shot her a knowing smirk.

_That was even weirder. Whatever, Kelley is weird._

The four girls joined the rest of the team who were filing into the room for breakfast. Of course, Tobin ended up sitting next to Christen. Thoughts were bouncing everywhere in Tobin’s head.

_Why is she so nice to me? And what just happened? And why did I get so weird when she touched my arm? Why am I so weird? Why does Alex keep smiling at me like an idiot? And why is Kelley looking at me like that? Oh wait, is Christen talking to me? ___

“Hello, earth to Tobin!” Christen waved her hand in front of Tobin. The midfielder’s trance was broken and she apologized and stuffed her mouth with whatever food was laid out.

“I was asking how Paris is,” Christen offered.

“Oh, please, don’t get her started..” Alex mumbled so quietly that only Kelley, who was across from her, could hear. Kelley snickered. Tobin could talk about Paris all day. She rambled on about the city, the club, and her experiences. But as she was talking, she noticed that she has never really looked at Christen this up close. They were mere inches from each other, and Tobin never recalled how green Christen’s eyes were. Nor how pretty she looked while she was smiling. Press never smiled at her. And here Tobin was actually able to capture Christen’s attention for 15 minutes while she talked about Paris. 15 minutes of Christen Press smiling. That was a nice sight for Tobin.

“But enough about me, how was Stockholm??” Tobin said. With that, Christen Press smiled even bigger and rambled on and on.”You know, I feel like being there really helped me find myself again. I’m just so much happier.” Tobin smiled at the thought of a happy Christen Press. _This was going to be a good camp._

In the middle of their conversation, Alex pinched Tobin’s arm. “Hey, let me borrow your phone, I left mine in the hotel. I gotta text Serv before training,” She hushed in Tobin’s ear. Too busy to fuss about it, she offered her phone that was tucked in her shorts, and continued to listen to Christen’s story about her amazing goal with Tyreso.

“Oh hey, your girlfriend texted you” Alex said with a smirk, interrupting Tobin and Christen’s conversation. 

Tobin hastily grabbed back her phone. For some reason, she felt embarrassed at how casually Alex threw out that piece of information about herself. Her cheeks felt warm and then it happened again. She suddenly became hyper aware of Christen’s stare. _Christen knows about me and Shirley.. I think. I mean we have been together for awhile and Kelley must have told her...._ She also felt guilty for forgetting to text Shirley good morning for the first time since they separated for Tobin’s international call up for the US.

“Hey, Chris, I need to go to the bathroom. Come with me.” Kelley suddenly shouted across the table. She just noticed Hope Solo walk in the direction of the bathroom.The two got up while Tobin quickly sent out a text and gave the phone back to Alex, who got up to call her significant other. Tobin looked up and realizes that Christen is gone. Crestfallen.

###### 

“You need to not be so obvious, Chris” Kelley said as they entered that bathroom.

“I did nothing,” Christen retorted.

“C’MON CHRIS. You face fell so hard at the mention of Shirley,” Kelley held her friend at arm’s length and braced her firmly, “ Remember all of the progress you made in Sweden. We know you love the ladies now, that’s the hard part. There are SO many other girls out there than Tobin. For one, you got me, I’m awesome” Kelley offered as she dusted off her shoulder.

“Whatever happens, I’m here for you. But I also don’t want you to pine over Tobin in that weird 'i'm going to ignore you, but i like you' way like we all know you will do...” Kelley said, “Plus, I love Toby, but I knew her well enough that she has a girlfriend, and Tobin is the most loyal girlfriend ever. Don’t forget about that hot piece of ass you have back in Sweden”

That made Christen stop and think. She did have a good time in Sweden, and resorting back to avoiding Tobin so that she wouldn’t be embarrassed for drooling over her, would be regressing. But then again, if she was truly a changed and happy person, she could not see a reason for her not to strike up a friendship with the midfielder. _That would be true closure._

Kelley could see the progression of thoughts spinning in Christen’s head. _She’s not listening to a single thing i’m saying._ She rolled her eyes and then walked to the bathroom stall after she inconspicuously searched for any sign of Solo in the large bathroom. With no success, she just peed and left with Christen.

###### 

“Hey, so are you coming tonight to celebrate?” Tobin playfully shoved Christen as the team shuffled into their hotel after their game against Netherlands.

“Yeah, um I think so. I don’t drink much, but, ya know” Christen said.

###### 

SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS!

The whole team was yelling and chanting as Christen downed her third shot in 2 minutes, making it the sixth of her night. Her blood was pumping, the alcohol was pouring, and her and her teammates were bumping and grinding with randos at the club. Shot after shot, her inhibitions were obliterated. Shot with Pinoe, with Syd, with Alex. She didn’t really talk a lot with Alex but here they were giggling over nothing and watching their teammates make fools of themselves. She was enjoying Alex’s company, when Tobin came and put her arm around Alex.

“Hey” Tobin whispered to Alex as she nuzzled into her ear.

“Are you two together?” Christen sloppily yelled out over the thumping bass of the music being played.. After all, her inhibitions were lowered.

The pair laughed and laughed as the alcohol pumped through their bodies.

“Tobin is my platonic soulmate. But I wish,” Alex pouted while kissing her on the cheek, “Speaking of soulmate, let me borrow your phone, I need to call Serv.”

Tobin just rolled her eyes and she handed her phone to Alex who walked off to find a quiet place to call him. 

“I thought you didn’t drink much” Tobin slurred as she moved closer to Christen. Their arms were touching and their bodies closer than the forward was used to. But Christen couldn’t complain much. A beautiful girl chatting her up after scoring an amazing goal that day was an alright prize with Christen. She just grinned and leaned in closer to Tobin, feeling the warmth of her body. Maybe it had something to do with the alcohol, but she didn’t care if her actions were too much for the midfielder.

“I just want to have a good time with the team” she offered as she took hold of Tobin’s upper arm.

Tobin’s eyes widened for a second. Like a deer in the headlights, the touches from Christen were overloading Tobin’s brain. But the alcohol was numbing everything. It felt good to have Christen so close. Tobin could stare at her eyes from this distance, and she noticed Christen’s perfume that drove her crazy.

“Chris, you smell really good” she whispered into her ear. The attention that Christen was receiving from Tobin was intoxicating and she leaned in even closer when she felt Tobin’s arm wrap around her waist.The affectionate touches, the darting glances, and the alcoholic breaths were getting to them. 

“Hey, do you still hate me?” Tobin blurts out.

“No. Why??”

“Because of that shitty thing I did when we first met.”

Christen giggled and giggled. Normally this would have made her feel embarrassed, but not tonight. Nothing could have ruined this night when Tobin was wrapping her arm around her.

“Oh you mean when you threw your towel at me and pretended I was your water girl?” She teased, “No, I don’t still hate you. I could never hate you. Plus, that was not the first time we met.”

And with that, Tobin was thoroughly confused. “What do you mean?” _Wait, fuck. Am I ruining this again? Did we meet before that? Did I strike out before I even got to the plate??_

But Christen was all smiles. Her face was slack, her words were slurred, and Christen Press was leaning her whole body on Tobin. Alcohol was definitely Tobin’s friend tonight.

“Okay, we talked like a dozen times in college. You guys played Stanford a bunch of times.”

“Wait, we did? I’m pretty sure I would have remembered your face. Plus Kelley would have mentioned you.” Tobin said.

“We talked. Like every time. How did you not notice, I was the nervous idiot who always made an attempt to talk to you? And wait, you knew Kelley at the time?”

“A. I’m still not sure you’re telling me the truth about our first meeting, because I’m pretty sure I would have noticed you” Tobin jokingly smirked, ‘B. I used to have a huge crush on Kelley back in the day. It was totally nothing, but she would have definitely introduced us, and I would have definitely remembered you.” Tobin smirked. 

“Wait. You and Kelley? You had a crush on her?” Christen’s heart skipped a beat and she paused on her thoughts that were fantasizing about how this night was going to carry out. Kelley never mentioned that she knew Tobin during her college days.

Tobin chuckled, “ Oh yeah, she was my first kiss. It was so funny. But that was WAYYY long ago. Now when I look back on it, it makes me laugh. But back to what you said, why were you always attempting to talk to me?”

Christen downed the last of her drink before replying, “Because I had a crush on you at the time.”

###### 

Kelley noticed Hope standing outside away from everyone else, and alone at the outdoor bar next to their hotel entrance. She saunters over and pokes her playfully in the butt, “Solo, why are you standing here...solo? “ She gives herself a pat on the back.

Kelley sees a familiar twinkle in Hope’s eyes and feels satisfied when Hope just smirks at her. She leans in and nuzzles in Hope’s neck, knowing that she would not pull away. It was such a satisfying thing to know that she had the power to make the most intimidating and greatest goalkeeper in the world laugh so easily. She would just blame it on the alcohol, that was her strategy this time.

“Come with me Solo” she grabbed Hope’s hand and led her to her hotel room. Kelley downed her drink and let the potion kick in, not wanting the nerves to get the best of her. Hope knew this was coming, but she didn’t dare speak a word, not wanting to break the understood code written between her and O’Hara.

“I want you” Kelley whispered as they both stood in the darkness of their hotel room. 

“I’m with someone” Hope whispered back into the darkness. She could not see Kelley, but she could feel the younger girl in front of her.

“I don’t care.” Kelley said. Kelley’s hands slid up Hope’s arms and she felt them tense under her touch.

“Please, just let me please you” Kelley pleads as she nuzzles again in Hope’s neck.

Hope chuckles, “I can’t do this with you, kid”

“I’m not a kid” Kelley states. She quickly takes off her clothes, fumbles for Hope’s hand and lays it on her breasts. She hears Hope whimper and smirks. Hope finds her lips in the dark, and the two unleash something animalistic growing between them.

###### 

Tobin feels the ice cold water from the bathroom sink wash over her hands. It feels good and biting, something to remind her that she is not dreaming.

_Because I had a crush on you at the time. That means.._

Tobin shakes her head. She can’t let herself think that. She can only think of Shirley’s ‘te amo’ and their love in Paris.

_Te amo._

Tobin darts to the bathroom stall, wanting to have her private moment with her private thoughts. There were so many women in the restroom bar applying makeup or chatting with their friends. She think over all of the precious moments with Shirley.

_Shirley Shirley Shirley Shirley. That’s it._

Tobin’s thought process is interrupted when she recognized Christen’s heels at the foot of the bathroom stall. Tobin watches as Christen’s shoes swivel on it’s heel, aiming for their target. Boom. It shoots at her dead on, and the door opens slowly.

Their eyes meet. 

“Did I ruin something?” Christen whispers closely to Tobin. Their faces mere centimeters away as Christen focuses on Tobin’s lips. 

“I think so” Tobin quietly said. 

There was no going back from that admission. Tobin closed the gap and pressed her lips against Christen’s. It tasted like home.

The kiss deepened and deepened. Tobin’s hands roamed EVERYWHERE as the kiss was no longer timid. It roughened. Christen bit Tobin’s bottom lip, causing Tobin to pin the forward against the bathroom stall. Their bodies slammed together. The music was so loud that no one could hear what was going on in the second to the last stall in the women’s bathroom.

Tobin nudged Christen’s legs hip width apart with her own legs and could instantly take in Christen’s scent, which drove her crazy. **CRAZY** She ran her tongue along Christen’s neckline as Christen just gasped for air as her breathing was uncontrollable. Tobin wasted no time and slipped a finger inside of Christen.

“Tobin. Please. Don’t. Stop” She gasped with every thrust. With every second and with every thrust, Shirley was soon forgotten. Tobin quickly retreats her hand and quickly kneels down and pulls Christen's skirt to her feet. 

"Why did you stop?" Christen asks, distressed. She runs her hand through her hair out of frustration.

"Because I want to do this." Tobin gently places her mouth over Christen's underwear, and Christen tenses up at the sensation of Tobin's face in between her legs. When Tobin moves Christen's thong aside with her finger and her tongue grazes her clit, Christen dismantles instantly.

The rapid breaths, the ruffling of clothes, and Christen’s moans were all inaudible to the women in the other stalls. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! As always, would love to hear your thoughts! Tumblr @wretchedthorium or leave me those comments!


	7. Comfort

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Heath, Heath, Heath. You and Shirls had NO CHANCE, okay? Pressy is HOT. I mean, fucking gorgeous. I’ve thought about it too, along with the rest of the world, man” Kelley drunkenly offered.

###### November 2015

Kelley searched far and wide at the bar that she found Tobin at as she made the long trek to it on foot.

_Why is this all fucked up? Tobin’s a fucking mess. Shirley’s a fucking mess. And now, Christen is going to look at me with suspicions for being with Tobin for at least two weeks. Again. I don’t know why she pulls this shit? It’s like it makes her feel better in dealing with her feelings for Tobin by denying that they exist and joke, but not really joke, about how Tobin and I may have sort of been together in college..._

 

“Whatever, Fuck Shirley,” She mumbles to herself when she made a complete round at the bar, looking for her. Kelley hopped into two other clubs and a restaurant, before she gave up. _This is not my mess. Fuck this._

As Kelley walked back to the hotel, she suddenly realized she forgot to text Ann a thank you. She really needed to give her friend more attention. She pulled her iphone out of her back pocket and saw that there was a text from Ann. And Hope.

**Ann** : Hey, let me know how Tobin is? I’m really worried about her. And you. It sucks because I was really looking forward to spending time with an amazing girl tonight :(

**Hope** : This needs to stop.

Kelley instantly dials Hope’s phone. 

“What.”

“What’s wrong with you?!” Kelley shrills through the phone, “You can’t treat me like that, and then send me a text like you’re my mom and can tell ME what to do!”

“Kell. I’m MARRIED. Guess what? I also get a say in our relationship” Hope spits back.

“Oh, so what? This is a relationship to you now? Huh? Are you always such a psycho path”

Hope chuckles on the other line. “Listen, kid. I don’t owe you anything.”

For Kelley, it was the sound of Hope laughing at their situation that snapped her. It was Kelley’s turn to RAGE for the night.

“UGHHHHHH” She yells into her phone, “YOU KNOW WHAT HOPE SOLO? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU DO. I DON’T CARE IF YOU GO OFF AND FUCK YOUR HUSBAND. BECAUSE GUESS WHAT, YOU AND I BOTH KNOW WHO YOU’RE THINKING ABOUT WHEN HE’S FUCKING YOU!” Kelley instantly hangs up and looks around, at the people staring at her.

“That’s the second girl I’ve seen losing her shit on this block, tonight!” A man chuckles to his friend as they sit on the patio of a bar.

###### 

_Who the fuck does she think she is? I don’t care if she’s Hope Solo. She acts like I don’t see her staring at me in our meetings, or that I can’t feel her eyes on me when she’s in goal. And what the fuck? She doesn’t even like Jerramy. Fuck him._

“Give me three- four shots of.. Fuck I don’t know..whatever will fuck me up” Kelley says simply at the bartender. She just shrugs and pours them for Kelley.

_One. Shit that is gross. Two. I need a chaser. Three. Oh well, I didn’t even feel that one. Four. Ehh._

Kelley shoves off some random guy who approaches her at the bar. _Fuck, boys are gross. How can Hope even entertain a man?_

As the alcohol kicks in, Kelley starts to wonder if she’s shitfaced out of her mind, or if that’s Tobin she sees at the doorway with the bouncer.

“Heath!” She yells and motions for her friend to come over.

“Kelley, what the fuck” Tobin offers as she approaches her freckled friend at the bar.

“OH, C’mon. Sit down and have a drink with me. You’re not the one with the alcoholism. You’ll be fine. Hey! Can I get another four shots?” She slurs. 

“Kelley did you find Shirley??”

“Nope,” Kelley said, “but I mean c’mon dude. It’s not her that you’re really thinking about right?” Kelley blurts out as she felt the effects of the shots coarse through her veins. Tobin head drops. Even in her drunken state, she knows that she hit it right where it hurts with Heath.  
“Hey, just sit down and enjoy these with me. Life’s fucked up. Nothing we can do about it. Plus, it will numb the pain from your hand. What happened with Pressy?” Kelley softly says to Tobin and she slides the newly poured shots in front of Tobin.

Tobin quietly fills Kelley in on what happened while she was gone, while she downs the shots. _I haven’t drank in over six months. Oh well._

The 4 shots get to Tobin quickly, and the pair just sit at the bar, feeling sorry of themselves. The pity mixed with the alcohol making for a questionable combination.

“Kelley, why can’t I just get it right? You know?” Tobin struggles through her words as she fights her drunken state, “I promised Shirley I wouldn’t do anything with Chris anymore.”

Kelley and Tobin are walking back to their hotel room, Kelley clutching a styrofoam cup full of Moscato wine.

“Heath, Heath, Heath. You and Shirls had NO CHANCE, okay? Pressy is HOT. I mean, fucking gorgeous. I’ve thought about it too, along with the rest of the world, man” Kelley drunkenly offered, “Plus, I know for a fact that Solo would fucking devour Pressy if she could too.”

“Wow”

“Hey man, it’s all anyone is out for in this world” Kelley says, sadly.

“What happened today with you two anyway?”

Kelley stopped in her tracks. _Words, Kelley. Formulate words._ She stared long and hard at Tobin. The pain seeped through, even though Kelley tried so hard to block it with the alcohol.

“She destroyed me.” Kelley says quietly. 

Tobin laced her broken hand’s finger gingerly into Kelley’s hand and brought her in for an embrace they both desperately needed that night. Kelley unraveled in her friends embrace. 

“She doesn’t deserve you” Tobin whispered to Kelley over and over as Kelley sobbed uncontrollably. “She doesn’t deserve a girl who will fight for her over and over again” That was something that Shirley never did for their relationship when she was halfway done with her first drink. With that thought, she held Kelley even closer.

_I can’t believe Hope would throw away this._

The embrace felt so comforting. Having someone that wanted to protect you from the world holding you was nice. Heartbreak, rejection, and confusion swirled all around the two, the alcohol intensifying everything. The two stood silent and desperate for the love that they couldn't get.  
And then it happened suddenly. Kelley’s mouth was on Tobin’s. Tobin’s hands gripping all over Kelley. The two cried into each other in between kisses, the alcohol aiding the fantasy that they were each kissing the ones that they really wanted. 

h6>

_Where the FUCK is Tobin?_

Alex was waiting with Kling by the coffee stand, waiting for Tobin to come down from her room for their morning coffee. Alex clutched Tobin’s phone, which had a total of 16 missed calls, a few from Christen, a few from Shirley, and and some from the rest of their teammates when they couldn’t find Tobin the night before. 

Alex wasn’t prepared to hold on to Tobin’s phone for this long when she caught Tobin in the lobby, mumbling about some bar last night. 

“Sure Alex, just take it. I’m sure Serv has my number saved under Alex” She offered a weak smile, uncharacteristic of the goofy Tobin.

“Are you okay?” Alex pulled her friend closer.

“Let’s talk later. Gotta run” Tobin said quickly and jogged out of the hotel. 

_Whatever. Free phone. She will tell me later._

“Kling, I’m going to go to her and Hope’s room. She’s probably passed out. I’ll meet you guys later.” Alex stated.

Alex took the stairs to Tobin’s room and knocked loudly.

“HEATH. GET YOUR ASS OUT OF BED!” She knocked again. She heard movement behind the door. 

“Hey, I’ve been - Chris, what are you doing in her?” Alex was surprised to see her fellow forward emerge from Tobin’s room. Alex noticed that Christen looked like absolute shit. And her eyes were puffy and red.

“Hey, Al. Tobin is not in here. Neither is Hope.”  
“Oh. Um. Sorry for waking you up, dude. What are you doing here? Where is Tobs?” 

Christen's chin quivered, but she held it in. “Tobin is in mine and Kelley’s room.” She says sadly.

“What the fuck, why?” Alex furrowed her brow.

Without answering, Christen closes the door, leaving Alex confused. _Well that was rude._ Then she hears the door open and Christen emerges with a room key.

“You’ll see.” Christen offers, and she retreats back into the room.

_Why is everyone so freaking cryptic and weird._

Alex reaches Kelley’s room and keys herself in, ready to wake them both up. Those idiots were thirty minutes late for breakfast.

“Uh-”

Alex stops in her tracks and her eyes widen. 

The sight of her two friends passed out, and TOPLESS, IN THE SAME BED overwhelmed her. The other bed was left untouched, the sheets immaculately placed, as if no one had the thought to ever be in that bed when there was one they could share. She sees Kelley lying on her stomach and she can see Tobin is cradling their freckled friend, topless as well, and the two are leaning in to each other. Their bodies are rising slowly with their slow and sleepy breaths and Alex can feel and smell the alcohol from last night, in the air. 

“WHAT THE FUCK” Alex yells.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think!


	8. Assault

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “EXPLAIN YOURSELVES, RIGHT NOW” Alex yelled.

“TOBIN POWELL HEATH AND KELLEY FUCKING O’HARA” Alex Morgan’s voice boomed throughout the hotel room.

“Ugh, keep your voice down” Kelley groaned and moved Tobin off of her and replaced it with a pillow to block all of the noise and light.

Alex pulled the covers off the bed, resulting in more groans from the defender, but Tobin started stirring awake.

“EXPLAIN YOURSELVES, RIGHT NOW” Alex yelled.

“Oh my fucking god, Morgan. Chill. Nothing happened” Kelley managed to reply. Kelley could feel the pounding in her head and the room was spinning. _I don’t how the fuck I’m going to get through today after that night._

And with that thought, KO became sorrowful as the memories of last night flooded in. 

“And why the fuck do you and Tobin not have a shirt on??” Alex yelled as she made her way to the side of the bed where her two topless friends were.

Kelley rummaged around the sheets, looking for her shirt, and hastily put it back on, only to take it off again, noticing that it was all crusty and sticky. She got off the bed and instantly wobbled as the hangover caused her head to be dizzy.

“OMG CHILL. Don’t act like you haven’t seen my boobs since yesterday.” Kelley angrily says as she rummages through her bags for another shirt.

Tobin chuckles at that statement and Alex turns her head sharply, realizing that Tobin is awake. Alex is about to turn on her best friend when she stops short. Alex can see the multiple bruises all over Tobin’s chest and the many cuts all over her arms that she didn’t notice moments before. Not to mention, Tobin was sporting a black eye.

“Toby, what happened?” Alex says to her best friend while she gingerly touches the multiple long cuts.

“Alex, don’t” Tobin whines as she reaches for her shirt lost within the bed. She stops when she sees that her white shirt has many blots of blood all throughout. It’s still wet and a stench of beer radiates from the shirt.

Alex quickly grabs the shirt from Tobin’s grasp, “What the fuck happened?” she says pointing to the shirt. 

Kelley picks another shirt out of her bag and tosses it to Tobin, who gingerly lets the soft cotton rest on top of the many cuts on her arm. 

“I love how I get lectured about my boobs, but when it’s Tobin’s it doesn’t matter.” Kelley jokingly calls out. Kelley and Tobin chuckle, both so hungover and disoriented, unaware of the consequences of last night.

“Okay, both of you are idiots.” Alex says as she crosses her arms and sit on the other bed.  
“Alex, how did you even get in the room?” Tobin says as she limps around the room looking for her shoes.

“Christen gave the key to me. She said that you were in the room.”

Tobin and Kelley looked at each other. Both of their eyes widened. 

Tobin sprinted out the room with her shoes in hand, before Alex could ask her where she was going.

 

“KO. What the fuck happened?” Alex said firmly.

Kelley sighed. "Okay, I'll tell you, but keep your voice down" she said through gritted teeth. She began divulging the series of events last night, all while her fighting back the urge to throw up as her head pounded. She was definitely not going to be making training today.

###### *Last night*

Tobin slowly pulls away from Kelley’s face. Scared.

_What the fuck did I just do?_

All of a sudden Kelley busts out laughing. This startled Tobin, but she eventually joins her friend. The two drunkenly laugh and embrace.

“Oh my fucking god Tobs, I’m sorry.” Kelley says through bouts of laughter. She wipes her eyes which teared out of laughter. “I’m a mess”

“That was probably the biggest and funniest mistake we have made today” Tobin chuckles. Their laughter dies down but the two still hold each other, smiling and knowing that this night would be one for the books.

“Hope really is missing out though.” Tobin says sadly. She hated that someone could hurt her friend this way.

“I know, I’m awesome” Kelley pouts. 

“Thanks for being there for me though. You are a life saver. Not that Christen doesn't acknowledge my fucking existence, I only have you and Alex” Kelley says. And with the mention of Christen’s name, Tobin starts panicking. 

“Fuck, Kell” Tobin’s race starts beating again, “How am I supposed to explai-” Tobin is quickly cut off from her sentence. The sound of a glass shatters above their head. Kelley throws her hands above her head to protect from the shards of glass that shattered above her and Tobin. Kelley whips around, looking for the source, both frightened and pissed.

She spots a short, brown girl who is ten feet away from them with a pitcher of beer in the hand.

“Yo sabia que te estabas acostando con todo el mundo. Mujeriego!” Shirley yells as she advances on the pair standing on the sidewalk. “Does Prissy Press know you’re fucking her best friend too? She angrily points at Kelley while looking pointedly at Tobin.

“Babe, it’s not what you-” 

Shirley tosses the beer in the pitcher all over Tobin and Kelley, soaking them from head to toe. 

“YOU, BITCH” Kelley yells, but instantly Shirley heads for Tobin, who looks scared for her life. 

Shirley lays out an assault on her girlfriend. Her hand that held the pitcher swings into the side of Tobin’s arm and shatters. Shirley’s arms are flying as their fists make contact with Tobin’s chest.

“Shirley! Stop!” Kelley shouts as Tobin’s girlfriend absolutely loses control. Tobin, did nothing to deter Shirley, realizing that after all the events that occurred tonight, she probably deserved all of this. A blow to her arms, followed by many to her chest, and then finally, Shirley’s knuckles cracked as it made contact with Tobin’s face.

“Tobin!” Kelley yelled. She pulled Shirley off of Tobin, who turned around and elbowed her in the stomach, causing Kelley to step back as the wind got knocked out of here. Shirley got on top of Tobin and continued yelling in Spanish in Tobin’s face, who was laying in the glass shards of the shattered pitcher, too afraid to fight back. 

Pretty soon, a crowd was drawing around, and as Kelley caught her breath again, she charged for Shirley, but soon was intercepted by another girl who shoved her away. One of Shirley’s drinking buddies, no doubt.

“Hey!” A familiar voice shouted out with authority from the crowd.

Kelley whipped around, recognizing the voice. It was the most majestic sight, seeing _the_ Hope Solo pounce and punch Shirley’s drinking buddy in the face. Hope did not even look at Kelley, but charged at Shirley. She pulled Shirley’s body off of Tobin with ease.

“Get your drunk ass out of here before I call the cops” Hope barked in her face and pushed her into the crowd that gathered around. 

Hope picked up Tobin off the ground and threw Tobin’s arm around her shoulder, aiding Tobin to walk on a limp. She signaled Kelley to do the same on Tobin’s other side.

“Fuck off! All of you!” Hope barked to the crowd, who slowly dissipated. The trio made the short trek back to the hotel.

Kelley couldn’t take her eyes off of Hope, who wasn’t looking at her. Hope was talking to Tobin, making sure that she could walk, asking her how she was feeling, and gauging Tobin’s injuries. Tobin just limped, with her head hung in defeat.

###### 

“That was the hottest thing I’ve ever seen” Kelley slurred drunkenly awestruck.

The goalkeeper was cleaning the deep cuts on Tobin’s arm and shoulder. They had removed Tobin’s shirt when they noticed the blood that was seeping through it and she was inspecting all of the newly formed bruises on the midfielder’s body. Luckily for Hope, Tobin was already passed out from the exhaustion from the night, so the alcohol that she was rubbing into her cuts went unnoticed.

Kelley stood from afar, swaying as she couldn’t keep her balance while she was drunk. But Hope was in the room, so she had to keep it together. 

“Why do you put yourself in these situations, Kell?” Hope said disappointingly. Kelley stumbles over to Hope as she finishes with Tobin’s cuts. 

“I didn’t do anything..” Kelley slurs. It was becoming harder and harder for her to talk as the alcohol was in full effect.

“I saw why Shirley confronted you guys. I found Christen in the lobby and she told me where you were..” Hope said quietly.

“ No. No no no no no. Tobin was just comforting me because of what you said to me.” Kelley drunkenly explained.

“It didn’t mean anything” Kelley said quietly. Hope Solo just sat there, looking the defender right in the eye. The stare alone hurt Kelley, because she could see the vulnerability that she always wanted from Hope, but it wasn’t the good kind.

“I only want you, Solo” Kelley said pleadingly, knowing that Hope was going to close up again. Hope stood up quickly and wiped her face. 

“Like I said, kid. It doesn’t matter. I don’t owe you anything, and you don’t owe me anything” She said simply. She decided not to stir Tobin awake, so she left the midfielder with her shirt off and headed for the door.

“Where are you going?” Kelley cried out. Hope paused at the door. “I’m staying with Jerramy for the night” she quietly said without facing Kelley. And then she walked out.

Kelley stood there in silence. The silence rang in her ear and she realized that she was all cried out for Hope. She peeled off her shirt that was soaked in beer and then joined her sleeping friend in bed. Kelley drifted off to sleep, knowing that she had lost this battle with Hope Solo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, Let me know what you think! I love getting those comments.


	9. Desolate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I can’t be that for her anymore. She made it so clear last year during Algarve that she chose Shirley. That she was going to fight for the Costa Rican, no matter what. Why does Tobin think she can do this to me. UGH.

###### Earlier the night before

_I cannot handle this._

Christen sat at the hotel bar, cupping the glass of water she ordered as she ruminated over what happened with Tobin in her hotel room.

_I can’t be that for her anymore. She made it so clear last year during Algarve that she chose Shirley. That she was going to fight for the Costa Rican, no matter what. Why does Tobin think she can do this to me. UGH._

_I can’t read Tobin Heath! First she tells me that she’s always had feelings for me, and we have this amazing night, then days later she flies out to Paris, telling me that she chose Shirley. That bitch left me heartbroken. And not the kind that ice cream and chocolate can fix. Not the kind that sleeping with another person can fix. She left me desolate._

###### 2014

Christen felt Tobin’s warm tongue slowly move back and forth down her clit. As it stroked upward, Christen would heave her body to the motion, getting into a rhythm with Tobin. Her breaths matched her motions, with every upwards stroke of Tobin’s tongue, her breaths grew deeper, more ragged.

“Tobin--” Her moans would slip out.

Tobin’s head was spinning and she could feel the amazing pulsing desire in between her legs when she would hear Christen Press say her name. She gripped Christen’s thighs, holding her steady, and pushing her tongue in harder, wanting to taste all of Christen.

All Christen could think about was how Tobin’s tongue knew exactly what to do. She had never felt this before. Christen licked her lips in between ragged breaths and gripped the edge of the bathroom stall walls.

“Oh my god Tobin-” Christen moaned. Her abs seized and Christen pulled herself up by the arms as the most amazing sensation that burst from the middle of her legs caused her whole body to tense and she arched her back and threw her head back to face the sky. Pure satisfaction. She reveled in the moment and didn’t realize that all the noise in the world melted away. This was a sensation that she had never felt, and it left her face numb and her other senses paralyzed. She just heard a ringing in her ears as she climaxed.

She faintly felt Tobin’s hands on her thighs and she noticed the bass of the music outside of the bathroom. As she came back from her high, her legs buckled, and Tobin caught and held her up. Christen’s thighs ached in the best possible way and she held on tightly to Tobin’s neck while her breathing slowed. She didn’t even notice that Tobin slid her skirt back up her legs.

_What the fuck was that? I’ve never felt that before.._

Christen looked Tobin straight in the eye with a determined look. 

“Chris” Tobin whispered. 

“Let’s get out of here” Christen hushed. And she grabbed Tobin’s hand and led her out of the bathroom, never letting go.

###### 

Tobin felt her body meet the hotel mattress. She couldn’t believe the sight in front of her. Christen Press was slipping off her bra.

Her heart beat quicker. She had never seen anything so beautiful. Christen confidently unzipped Tobin’s pants with one hand, while not breaking eye contact with Tobin. She whipped Tobin’s jeans from her leg confidently and quickly climbs on top to straddle Tobin and passionately kisses her. Tobin moaned from the sensation of Christen’s lips moving against hers. Once again, their bodies found the perfect rhythm.

“Christen” Tobin whispered as she pulled away suddenly.

This broke Christen’s concentration. She was doing so well at feigning confidence up until the sound of Tobin’s voice broke through the atmosphere. Her eyes widened and she felt panicked that Tobin could see right through her.

“I don’t want to do anything that you don’t want to do” Tobin breathed as her chest heaved up and down. She could see the panic in the forward's eyes.

“N-not that I don’t want this. I’ve wanted this for so long” She breathed out the last word with emotion.

“Really?” Christen asked quietly. It was filled with hope and confusion

“I’ve always wanted you, Chris” She said simply. All of Christen’s nerves evaporated at the words that came out of Tobin’s mouth. Christen lifts Tobin’s chin and presses her lips to the midfielder. It’s a simple and compassionate kiss, reassuring Tobin that her feelings were requited.

Christen breaks her kiss and sets her mouth over Tobin’s ear.

“Then let me taste you” She whispers. Goosebumps form all over Tobin’s body.

 

###### 

“I slept with someone else,” She blurted out over her phone. She couldn’t hold it in anymore. Tobin was never good at hiding things. Her loyalty was fierce, and this was the first time in her life that she was the cheater. 

_Cheater...._

“Fucking excuse me?” Shirley slurred over the phone.

“I slept with someone else” Tobin repeated. The line was silent. 

“Please say something” Tobin said. Tears were silently flowing down her face. She loved Shirley, with all of her heart, and never intended to hurt her.

“Shir-” Her phone beeped twice, signaling that Shirley had hung up on her.

Tobin got up and stormed out of her room into the hallway. _10--9--8--7--6--5--4--3--2--1--0._ She threw her phone against the wall. _So much for counting my anger down. That shit never works._ Her anger left her and embarrassment settled in as she noticed Alex Morgan down the hall.

“Toby, what the fuck? I was just coming over to ask you if I could borrow your phone..” She said with a smile. Tobin let out a chuckle. Alex always knew how to lighten the mood.

“Anyways, why are you being so moody, Heath?” Her best friend asked with a gentle smile. She picked up Tobin’s phone and handed it to her. Tobin sighed and filled Alex in. Everything from confessions between her and Christen, to how Christen tasted. She needed to tell someone, and she knew that Alex was always going to be there for her. 

“Toby, you deserve all of the happiness in the world. You did the right thing in telling her.” She said as she brought Tobin in for a hug. Tobin settled in Alex Morgan’s arms and let the embrace of her friend bring her comfort.

The phone in her hand buzzed.

**Shirley** : I’m going to kill myself first. And then, I’m going to kill you. 

###### 

“Chris, please” Tobin pleaded as she attempted to swing her luggage into the taxi cab’s trunk. But, Christen had pulled held the luggage back, not wanting to let Tobin slip through her fingers. She only had Tobin for a second, and she was already leaving.

“What did I do?” She hushed to Tobin. “What did I say? Was it not good?” She asked timidly. Tobin instantly shot up.

“NO. That’s not it” She aggressively said. She pulled the suitcase and threw it into the truck. FRUSTRATION flowed through her veins.

“Then why are you leaving? I just got you..” Christen whimpered. 

Tobin closed her eyes. _FUCK._ She didn’t want Christen to feel bad for her so she willed herself to hold in the tears.

“Are you choosing her?” Christen said with a sunken expression.

Without making eye contact, Tobin Heath got into the cab. Leaving Christen Press heartbroken. Desolate.


	10. Abuse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I know I fucked up! Don’t you think I know that?! Don’t you know that I’m fighting to fix this"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo I know that a lot of these chapters have been heavy and dramatic. Be prepared for this chapter. Don't say I didn't warn you.

###### November 2015

“Christen. I’m so sorry” Tobin said as she limped to catch up to the forward who was fast walking her way to the cafeteria to eat breakfast. 

“Please let me explain” She said as she grabbed Christen’s arm to whip her around.

“Don’t touch me” Christen says through gritted teeth.

“I’m sorry” Tobin timidly says, “I just wanted t-to -” Tobin was out of breath as her body had just sprinted to her and Hope’s room. The adrenaline that spiked through her body was coming down, and Tobin suddenly realized that her whole body was aching. Regardless, Christen Press was the most important thing.

“I didn’t sleep with Kelley.” At this, Christen’s face shot up to meet Tobin’s.

“YOU’RE A FUCKING LIAR HEATH.I saw you guys when I walked into MY OWN ROOM.” She yelled.

“No, No listen. I had passed out last night, and Hope was cleaning up the cuts that were all over chest and body.”

“Thats a fucking lame exc-” Christen instantly shut up when she saw the intense and deep cuts all over Tobin’s arm, and a purple shadow around her left eye.

“I don’t know what happened with Kelley, but I’m sure she just lazily passed out after me. I mean, our clothes were totally soaked from beer, so i’m sure she just took it off and then dropped dead next to me. She was with Hope before i passed out.” Tobin quietly offered.

“Tobin, why do you have all of those cuts on you?” Christen whispered. She was afraid that she already knew. Tobin hung her head in defeat. She just shook her head and her glazed over.

_I’m going to kill Shirley Cruz. And then, I’m going to bring her back to life, to kill her all over again._

“I kissed Kelley though” Tobin said suddenly, breaking Christen away from her seething anger that was boiling under the surface, “I don’t want to lie to you, Chris. You told me that you couldn’t do this anymore and I lost it. Again.”

Tobin looked down at the ground again. She knew that she had to tell Chris all of it. “And, I think Kelley was feeling upset over something that happened with Hope. So, it was a drunken kiss. But that was it.That was IT. And, the whole time, I just thought about you.”

Christen and Tobin stood in silence in the hallway. Tobin noticed Christen lick her lips, and hesitate. She could see that Christen was motionless, and her body was tense. The tension was palpable.

Christen walked over to Tobin and gently pulled Tobin’s arm sleeve up to wordlessly inspect the damage.She winced at the thought of the pain. There were huge cuts all along her bicep and they were deep. She saw that there were more and that there were huge bruises that peppered all throughout her upper body. She gave Tobin the warmest hug she had ever given her.

“I’m not mad about Kelley,” She whispers into Tobin’s chest, “and I hope that Shirley hasn’t broken you yet.”

Christen pulls away, “But, I need to walk away from this, Heath. I need to do this for myself. No matter what you say, you’re still not mine”

###### 2014 - Paris, France.

“This is all of your shit, by the way” Shirley drunkenly yells at Tobin, who had just got to their apartment. Tobin watches as her favorite longboard, her snapbacks, and many pairs of her cleats sail out the window and down eleven flights.

“Shirley, STOP.” She grabs the remainder of her things that were lined up by Shirley to throw out the window.

“Fuck off Tobin. Sabes que, you’re the worst thing to happen to me” She said. Tobin moved closer to her girlfriend, trying to pull her into a hug. Shirley squirmed from her touch and she pushed Tobin away.

“Jesus, babe. I can smell the drink on your breath” Tobin says in disgust.

“Are you happy?” Shirley sways and loses her balance for a second. Tobin rushes to help her.

“No, No. I’m NOT” Tobin says with a conviction.” I’m going to make this right” 

Tobin picks up the rest of her stuff and starts unpacking in the bedroom.

###### 2014 - 30 days after Tobin returns to Paris

“I know I fucked up! Don’t you think I know that?! Don’t you know that I’m fighting to fix this?!” She yells into Shirley’s face that is cupped into her two hands.

This is the third time she found Shirley on the kitchen floor with two empty bottles strewn next to her. Tobin came back from her meetings with Nike when she found her girlfriend passed out.

Shirley just slaps Tobin the face as a response. Tobin just clenches her jaw as Shirley passes out again. 

###### 2014 -- 60 days after Tobin returns to Paris

“Alex, I can’t go. I have to watch Shirley. You know that.” Tobin plainly states over the phone. The exhaustion is kicking in.

“Toby, I miss you. You don’t deserve this. You can just stay with me for a few days for our trip” Alex’s raspy voice comes through the phone. Tobin missed Alex so much. 

_I miss you, Alex. You’re the person I need the most right now._

“I do. But I will be okay. I have to take care of this. Tell Kelley I said I’m sorry.” She hangs up on the phone with her best friend.

###### 2014 - 75 days after Tobin returns to Paris

New York

“Hey birthday girl” Tobin wraps Kelley into her arms, as the defender ran into her friend’s embrace.

_Fuck, Tobin looks like shit. She looks like she has lost at fifteen pounds, and she’s already a stick figure._

“Hey, Tobs. I’m glad you could make it. This is my best birthday gift. Alex told me you weren’t going to be able to make it, so I’m glad that you found a way” Kelley warmly offered. Tobin smiled, and it seemed like this was probably the first time Tobin has smiled in a long time. Kelley’s heart broke at the thought. Tobin was just nervous to see Christen for the first time. 

_Keep it together. You are doing great without her. You are happy. She doesn’t have any power of you._

Christen repeated those words over and over. Her, Alex, Lindsey, and Kling all waited around at the house for KO to bring Tobin back to her house so that they could all hang out for Kelley’s birthday weekend. Christen had butterflies in her stomach when she heard Kelley’s car arrive in the driveway.

The team hid their shock at the sight of Tobin. The nicest way to put it was that Tobin looked exhausted.

Everyone gave Tobin a hug, extra tight, to wordlessly give her their support. 

‘Hey, Chris” Tobin quietly said. All of Christen’s anger melted away at the sight of Tobin. She looked so skinny, and her eyes had perpetual bags underneath them. Tobin’s usual tan skin, was stark white. She looked like a shell of a person. Christen just felt deeply sad. 

“Hey,” Christen said and busied herself with helping Kelley set out the food.

###### 

_Why did I think that she would still want to be my friend? This was the stupidest thing I’ve ever done._

Tobin retreated from everyone into the bathroom.

Her shoulder was stinging. She needed to change her bandage. She let the water run and gingerly applied soap and water in the deep wounds in her shoulder. The door open and Christen appeared.

“Tobin I’m so sorry, I -” She stopped at the sight of the deep cuts in Tobin’s shoulder. Tobin quickly pushed her shirt over the wound and guiltily looked down.

Christen quickly closes the door behind her and gingerly pushes Tobin’s shirt aside to look at the cuts.

“What happened?” Christen demanded. 

“Nothing” Tobin mumbles and she gets up to leave. But Christen plants her body so close to Tobin and blocks her from moving. Tobin can’t help noticing how close Christen was to her.

“I’m not leaving until you tell me.” 

“I fell” Tobin said lamely.

“Tobin Heath. Do you want me to get Alex Morgan in here to get it out of you?” Christen threatened. Tobin shook her head. She resigned and told Christen the truth. It came from the end of a bottle that Shirley struck her with on accident when she tripped.

Christen turned to leave the room to get help, but Tobin restrained her. 

“Don’t tell anyone. It was on accident. I swear” Tobin whispered to her, pleading. “I’m trying to fix things with her.”

“TOBIN POWELL HEATH. This is not fixing things. This is hurting yourself.” Christen yelled. 

“Shhh! Listen, she didn’t do it on purpose. Okay, and her and I are getting better.”

Christen cups Tobin’s face in her hands.

“Let me help you.” She whispers and rests her forehead on the midfielders. 

“I’m not going to hurt her like I hurt you.” Tobin says and walks out to join the rest of the party


	11. Realization

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Ehh--” Kelley said with a mouthful of food. She resigned, she wasn’t going to keep this from her best friend. “It’s Tobin. I’ve been kinda helping her out.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I know that lately we have been doing a lot of time hopping. Just bear with me! Pay attention to the dates and you guys will be all filled in and it will all make sense. 
> 
> Also, ANGST WARNING.

###### January 2015 (Camp before WWC)

_I’m not going to hurt her like I hurt you._

Over and over again. Christen replayed in her mind twice. Then three times. On and on it went.

_I’m not going to hurt her like I hurt you._

Christen looked at her watch and realized that she had been sitting for thirty minutes, lost in her thoughts, wasting time. She got up from her bed and hopped in the shower, furious with herself in that she was behind her schedule for her planned out off day from camp.

**

“Pressssy! Let’s go! I’m hungry!” KO yelled as she knocked on the hotel door. She pulled out her phone as she waited for the forward.

**Tobin** : Don’t tell her anything. I don’t want to keep hurting her. 

Kelley tapped into her phone: I gotchu. 

“There’s my favorite person. Let’s go” Kelley said happily as her best friend emerged from the room.

**

_Why is Kelley always on her phone?_

“Hey loser, who are you talking to? You’re checking your phone, like, every two minutes. Is it Hope?”

“Ehh--” Kelley said with a mouthful of food. She resigned, she wasn’t going to keep this from her best friend. “It’s Tobin. I’ve been kinda helping her out.” 

Christen instantly became quiet. _Why didn’t she tell me she was talking to Tobin? I mean, I know that Tobin had recently moved back to the States, but Kelley was all the way on the other coast. But most importantly, what the fuck? Why am I learning about this now?_

“Uhh, okay. What are you guys talking about?” Christen asked with a confused expression.

Kelley shifted in her seat uncomfortably.”You know, just stuff. Like, with Shirley and all her craziness. That bitch is a psycho. Last time I saw Tobin in Portland, Shirley was at the apartment, and she drunkenly tried to make out with everyone. Not me though, I have standards” She chuckled as she shoved another forkful of food into her mouth.

“Kell” Christen said slowly, “When did you go to Portland?”

“When Tobin moved back” Kelley said simply, through all of the food still in her mouth.

“Okay...And why haven’t you told me this before? You and I have hung out since then...” Christen retorted, accusingly.

“Why are you mad?” Kelley said in disbelief. She could see that Christen's body language had changed and was on the attack. 

“Because, all you and I talk about is Tobin. And then, what? You forget to tell me that you’ve been talking to her, seeing her? What have you been telling her about me??” Christen spits out.

“JESUS Chris! I haven’t told her anything other than the fact that you are doing fine! Okay? I’m just helping her get through her days. You and I both know what those are like for her”

“So why you? Why my best friend?? Why does it have to be you that comforts her, and not someone like Alex?” Christen was getting angry now as she thought about the fact that her best friend and Tobin had a history.

“Tobin is my friend too, Chris. But if you’re insinuating that i’m letting her know about what you and I talk about, I mean what the fuck? We have been best friends dude! I’m not relaying every single FUCKING EXHAUSTING detail about how you’re in love with her. Okay?” 

“Oh please! You think it’s easy to hear about the billionth time Hope Solo has rejected you?? Fuck off.” Christen angrily growls. And she gets up quickly from the table.

“Fucking wait, Chris!” Kelley yells after her. Kelley rummages through her pockets, throws down two twenties, and then jogs to follow her best friend out the door.

“Nice to know this wasn’t a date. You didn’t even pay for me!” Kelley yelled at the back of Christen’s head. Christen stayed silent and just power walked her way back to the hotel. Kelley groaned in frustration and managed the same pace as Christen, but staying a good ten steps away.

“I’m not doing this with you, Pressy!” Kelley yelled.

“Fuck off Kell. Go be with Tobin.”

“Oh my fucking god. You, OF ALL PEOPLE should know that Tobin needs help right now. Okay? Stop being fucking selfish for two seconds and realize that you’re not the only one that got hurt!” Kelley stopped in her tracks, too tired to catch up to Christen. She just stood there looking at her best friend walk away.

_Fuck you Kelley_

###### November 2014

“GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY APARTMENT.” Tobin yelled at Shirley’s drunk friends. Kelley and Alex were helping her unpack earlier in the day and the trio were eating pizza when a bunch of random people started busting in the apartment, clearly drunk.

“Ay no! I told them that you were having a party for your new place!” Shirley yelled out happily. There wa a random girl with her arm around Shirley, kissing her on her neck.

Tobin raged and angrily shoved everyone out of the room, including the mysterious girl who was hanging on Shirley. 

“This is it! I’m not doing this anymore!” Tobin angrily yelled. She threw her hands up and on top of her head in disbelief.

“But Nena, that’s not any fun!” She whined and stumbled over. Kelley quickly stepped over to Shirley and helped her up. “Ooo, you’re cute too” Shirley cooed as she honed in on Kelley’s face. Kelley looked horrified and moved just in time for Shirley’s lips to make contact with her cheek.

“Okay, alky! Time to go to bed!” Alex says to the room. She picks Shirley off of a horrified Kelley and walks her to Tobin’s room to put her to bed.

Tobin fumed at the situation. “I can’t do this anymore.” She said repeatedly. And then she broke down. Kelley held her friend in her embrace, knowing the hopelessness of Shirley Cruz and all of the damage it was causing. Kelley cried when she saw the huge wound on Tobin’s shoulder that she caught a glimpse of during their hug.

She and Alex cradled Tobin all night.

###### 2 Days Later

When Tobin opened the door to her Portland apartment, she had a sudden realization as she spotted Shirley asleep on her couch.

Tobin looked around at all of the furniture, all of the light fixtures, all of her trophies and memento jerseys that hung up all around her wall. She knew she had to thank Kelley and Alex for helping her set up her new apartment because everything flowed so perfectly. Every piece of furniture and decoration just fit so perfectly with Tobin. Everything, except that person who was passed out on her couch. That was the only thing that didn’t fit in Tobin’s life. It stuck out like a sore thumb. Tobin was unsure of how to fix this.

_Let me help you._

Those words rung in her head.


	12. Home

###### Feb 10, 2016

 

_We got this. This is our Olympic year._

Christen was in the zone. She warmed up around the pitch and got her legs moving by passing the ball around with Mal. The passes were spot on and her strikes on goal were all flying past Hope. It was going to be a good game for Christen.

“Hey Chris, mind if I pass with you?” She didn’t even need to turn around to know who was asking. 

“Sure, Heath” She gave a small smile and kicked the ball to her. 

“It’s still Heath, huh? No affectionate, Toby?” She joked. Christen just smiled.

“So.. are you ready for the game today?” Christen quietly asked. It was a question worth asking. They were playing Costa Rica today.

Tobin quickly killed the ball when it reached her, and looked straight in Christen’s eye. Tobin’s gaze startled Christen. The gaze had run deep in Christen’s psyche and gave her a chill.

“I’m not her’s anymore.” She said seriously. It was delivered with a fire, a conviction that Christen felt. Tobin passed it back to Christen and they continued their passing exercise

**

_It’s a new year, and Pressy still doesn’t look at me the same. She told me she understood that the kiss between Tobin and I didn’t mean anything, so why does she run the opposite direction when she sees me? Plus, she saw the TMZ video of Hope taking out Shirley and that one chick, so she knows what went down. She knows that I was telling her the truth... ___

KO was too much in her head right now than she should have been for the game. She looked over at her best friend and saw that she was interacting with Tobin. _That’s good. Those two deserve each other. OR at least happiness. Everyone deserves it._

She looked over to Hope. Sadness struck her. Hard. The two had not really spoken to each other since that night that Tobin got attacked.

_Don’t think about it Kelley. Don’t think about it._

**

_You’re married, stop it. She’s too young. You saw how easily she went to someone else the minute you had a fight. You know that is how its always going to be, when do you ever not have fights with her, or with anyone for that matter? ___

Hope Solo continued doing her warm up dives when she averted her gaze from Kelley.

**

“Oh my god! A 12 second goal!” Christen squealed to Alex. The forward just smiled and smirked in response.

“Thanks, Chris. But that last goal is the only one people are going to talk about.” Alex said raising her eyebrows.

“Eh. It was all the service from Tobin” Christen replied and shrugged.

“Yeah, she misses you by the way.” Alex said suddenly and quietly. Alex just gave her a nod to where Tobin was in the locker room, patted Christen’s arm, and then left the room, leaving Christen and Tobin alone.

Christen felt that it was the only right thing to do and thank her for the assist. But as she made her way over to the midfielder who was emptying out her locker, she felt the same nervousness she felt when she stepped on to the pitch for the first time as a USMNT member. She instantly wanted to turn around. The thumping in her chest kept yelling at her, TURN AROUND.

“Hey, Heath” She said gently. 

Tobin mumbled a hey in response but continued emptying her locker out.

“That was a great assist, by they way” Christen offered.

“Thanks.” Tobin said. She continued to do whatever the fuck she was doing with her belongings and Christen just stood there in silence. 

_Fuck, Tobin. This is a new year. We can at least be cordial._ Christen let the silence sit between them for a moment before she angrily grabbed her stuff to head out of the locker room and give the midfielder some time away from her thoughts. 

“I’m trying not to hurt you” Tobin called out to her before Christen could make it out of the locker room. She stopped in her tracks.

_She’s trying not to hurt me? That doesn’t make sense. All she is doing is hurting me. ___

“You told me that you needed to walk away from this.” Tobin said to Christen who was now facing her, “I didn’t give you what you needed before because I was just thinking about what Shirley wanted, and I felt guilty about destroying her. I’m trying to give you what you’re asking of me now.I know that you want me to back off. And, I fucked up earlier and I went against that when I saw you during warm up, because all I wanted to do was be with you, or near you at least. But--”

“But what?” Christen interrupted.

“But I won’t do that again. Unless you want me to.” That statement lingered in the air for what felt like forever. The two stood motionless and alone in the locker room.

_Click._ The door shut behind Christen Press when she quickly walked out.

 

**

“Come here” Kelley cooed to Christen. The defender pulled her into her room and into the biggest embrace.

“I don’t know what to do, Kell. I don’t know if I should put myself back in Tobin’s world” Christen said into Kelley’s chest.

“It’s okay, I got you. We will figure this out” Kelley said, reveling in the embrace of her best friend. It felt like home for the two of the.

 


	13. Bittersweet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kelley looked back at the number one jersey and faintly smiled at the familiar sight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, I know it has been awhile since I've cranked out an update. Bear with me!

###### February 10, 2016

After their easily secured win over Costa Rica, Kelley was buzzing from the adrenaline, from the victory, from the hard earned win. And also, because it was fun seeing Tobin deal with Shirley. _Shirley was a mess as usual and shoved Tobin when she knocked her down hahahaha. Justice bitch._ She was fooling around in the locker room, digging the excited vibes and letting it pulsate through her body. _I'm a starter. I mean an actual starter. The actual backline. The best in the world. This. Is. Fucking. Unbelievable._ After the match, Kelley was goofin around with Alex when she spotted Hope and Carli enter the locker room. 

_What the fuck, this is ridiculous that she can bark orders at me for 90 minutes and then ignore me. No one fucking ignores me. Especially now that I am a part of THE backline._

"Hey, ill see you at the bus" She said to Alex. 

Kelley left the locker room and decided to wait out in the hallway leading to the exits where the buses were waiting to be loaded to take them back to the hotel. It was the waiting that was killing her. One by one, she saw most of her teammates file out. Alex gave her a confused look, but Kelley nodded her off. _I'll explain later._ Ten minutes had passed by and Kelley pulled out her phone, not wanting to make it look obvious that she was waiting for Hope, but also not knowing what to do with her hands. _C’mon Solo, I know it doesn’t take that long._

After five more minutes of mindlessly fidgeting on instagram, waiting for the goalkeeper, Hope emerges with Carli. _Fuckkk. I can’t do this. Abort Abort._ Kelley feigns her embarrassment by pretending to be more engrossed in her instagram feed and leans against the wall. She wasn’t planning on Carli being there with her when she cornered Hope, and now the spare had thrown her off her game. Kelley internally panicked every second that the goalkeeper was getting closer. _Fuck Fuck Fuck._ Hope was three steps ahead of her, avoiding her gaze, when she instantly changed her plan. _No one fucking ignores KO. I'm a starter now._

While keeping her head down, she grabs Hope’s arm in order to hold her back. Kelley keeps eye contact with the floor, but she can feel that Hope gently stops, and without looking back at Kelley, she mumbles Carli to go on without her. Carli gives her a knowingly look but jogs back to the team buses.

For a while, their bodies don’t move. Kelley still has her head down, and Hope still hasn’t turned to face the younger girl, they both are statues facing away from each other but only connected through a soft touch.

“Hope” Kelley whispers. She can feel Hope’s body tense and Kelley brings the arm that she has a hold on closer to her body and and brings Hope’s body so close to her.

“Hi” Kelley softly offers. Hope chuckles. “ Hey, kid” she softly responds. Still not looking at Kelley.

“Don’t ignore me” Kelley whispers. She’s pleading. 

“I know that I don’t owe you anything,” Kelley hesitates as her eyes are starting to fill with tears, “but I would give you everything.”

With that statement, Hope quickly looks away and covers her mouth, knowing that she is about to sob. 

_I don’t deserve what she is giving me. I don’t deserve someone who is willing to give me everything when I have given her nothing. It hurts too much._

“It hurts too much” Hope whispers.

Hope walks away, leaving Kelley to pine for her for the very last time.

######  March 9, 2016

Kelley wasn’t sure when it started getting better. 

She saw her Hope run across the field and hug Jerramy affectionately after the confetti had settled. He had picked her up and twirled her. Kelley got quiet as she took in the sight. _She’s not yours._

Ten times she repeated it. She looked again. Hope and her husband kissed. The pang in her chest didn’t hurt as much.

Kelley turned and found the rest of her teammates to celebrate with. They had won the championship for the inaugural year of what would probably become the most prestigious women's football cup. Needless to say, she was on top of the world. Kelley was all smiles that her cheeks hurt when she found her friends and family in the stands. Of course, her smile only got warmer when she saw Ann with her mom, arms wide open, inviting Kelley in. When they all were done greeting the fans, which consisted of Kelley signing ten different Alex Morgan jerseys, Kelley took a moment to enjoy the sight of the almost empty stadium. _I love this job._

 

###### August 3 2016

She was starting to feel like a human being again when the game whistle blasted through the air. It was going to be one of her good days. _An actual human . An actual human being who was now a starter for the USWNT. Officially._ Her confidence had grown little by little everyday with the encouragement of Jill. Not even the sight of the number one jersey could distract her. She felt a familiar tap on her shoulder.

“Good job, kid” Hope gave her a weak smile after the final whistle blew, signaling their first victory in Rio. Kelley didn’t hesitate to accept Hope’s open arms. They shared a warm hug and looked at each other for a few seconds. Hope had a loaded look, but Kelley was all smiles. The two parted ways to find their other teammates.

Kelley looked back at the number one jersey and faintly smiled at the familiar sight.

_Thanks, Solo._

It hurt for a second. But only for a second. It felt like a bittersweet victory for herself. For one, at the beginning of the game she was so proud of the progress she made in getting over the enigma that is Hope Solo. And, at the end, she wasn’t wishing that she was the first person that Hope looked for after a win. This is what caused her to flash Hope her widest, most genuine smile. But, on the other hand, she felt the tiniest bit of sadness. The old Kelley O’hara was dead.

**

Another win for the gals only meant one thing. They were one more step closer to becoming the first group to become back to back World Cup and Olympic champions. The veterans knew from experience that their journey could be cut short anytime soon, so they were going to party. HARD.

It was in some club in Rio and the team was making sure to deliver on the celebrations. Kelley noticed that even Hope was taking shots with the team. She smiled, knowing that back in the day, Hope would have been off in the corner with Carli or her husband, avoiding everyone else, but here she was in the middle and passing out shots to everyone. 

_We have gotten far._

Kelley made sure to rage herself. She clung to Christen as they danced the night away, giving in to the pressures of their teammates to take more shots. She squeezed Christen’s hand whenever she would feel Christen tense from Tobin’s presence, and she would shoot Tobin a reassuring smile.  
_For the record, this is still stupid._ Her best friends still had not reconciled. But she chose to be there for both.

After a few hours at the club, Kelley noticed that it was that hour in the night when everyone was probably going to make irresponsible choices if they had one more shot. She stood next to and laughed as she watched Alex try so hard to concentrate on the screen of an iphone for a good solid two minutes before she could type out the word 'hey' on the message field. She was way too gone. And then, she accidentally dropped the phone into a drink that was directly below her hands on the table. She chuckled and Kelley heard Tobin off from the distance, "Alex!! What the fuck?? Is that my phone??" Kelley chose to walk away from that table. It wasn’t until 3 am when she was drunkenly stripping her clothes off to pass out in her hotel room that she was sharing with Alex, that she realized her phone was buzzing. At first she thought it was a call, and decided to let it to go to voicemail because she was too busy drunkenly flashing Alex with her boobs.

“Don’t act like you don’t like them Morgan. You stick around everytime my shirt is off” she slurred. Alex was too drunk to protest and just slurred something about not being impressed and then passed out without changing out of her club clothes.

“Pshh.” Kelley spat. She continued changing and then picked up her phone to set an alarm. Then, her heart dropped. 6 messages from Hope. Her heart beat faster and she instantly sobered up.

**Hope:** You looked pretty tonigt.  
**Hope:** I miss u.  
**Hope:** I shuldnt ahve let you go.  
**Hope:** Talk to me.plz  
**Hope:** Can u com over to mi room  
**Hope:** Im drunk.imsorry

Kelley stood in her hotel room in silence and closed her eyes in frustration. Then she turned off her phone.

######  October 2016. (Seattle, Washington) 

Hope watched as her phone soared through the air and made impact against the wall. It shattered and she could see that her phone split into three layers and the wires were all messed up as she watched it tumble to the ground.

“You’re not fucking leaving me” Jerramy snarled across the table.

“Yes I fucking am,” She snapped back, “ you think that if you break something that you’re going to convince me that you’re not a walking fuck up??” Hope said. 

“I’m not the fuck up Hope! You’re the one who cheated on me. On us! You’re the fuck up who can’t stop drinking like her mom! You’re the one with daddy issues and you’re taking it out on me!”

_You fucking dick._

Hope calmly walked to the kitchen sink

“Get the fuck out” Hope says with her sudden calmness. Afraid from Hope’s sudden mood change, Jerramy exited her home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think!


	14. Happiness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Being single was one of the best things in the world for Tobin. She would yell on the rooftops, “Tobin Heath is single!” if she could.

###### October 5, 2016

“Oh yeah”

“Get it guurl”

Kelley got low as the music blasted from a speaker far off in the stadium. She danced her way through the practice’s warm up. Her teammates jumped in. Nothing was killing this squirrel’s vibe. Even if it was match day against Seattle Reign. The weather was good in Jersey, she had a girlfriend, and Under Armour had just revised the terms of her contract, upping her income to the comfortable millions. It was just a good time to be Kelley O’Hara in general. 

**

“Babe, remember I won’t be at the house tonight. Got to head out to the airport at like two in the morning.” Ann called out to her when she dropped Kelley off to the stadium for the match.

“Yes, yes, I know. How did I get so lucky to have someone as wonderful as you to normally show up to my house after a football match. I’ll miss you” Kelley said before she gave her a kiss and a wink, and jogged to the locker rooms.

**

“Oooooo, there’s your girl, Kell” Natasha Kai loudly hissed at Kelley when they were passing the ball to each other during warm up. Kelley whipped her head around, looking for Ann. Halfway through her search, she realized that her teammate was talking about the towering figure walking to the goal on the opposite end of the pitch. She was surrounded by highlighter Reign uniforms and coaching staff. _Oh. That girl._

Hope caught Kelley’s stare, hesitated, but then offered a weak hand wave and an equally weak smile. Kelley, unsure of how to react, cursing herself for thinking about it, hesitantly gave a weak wave and smile back.

“Sprung” Natasha whispered.

“Pshhh” Kelley spat.

“I know you heard about her and her hubby. You going to spill how you’re feeling about it?” Natasha offered with a knowing look.

Kelley juggled the ball as she thought about how to respond.

“How am I supposed to feel other than happy for her that she got rid of that piece of shit” Kelley forcefully passed the ball to her teammate.

_I can’t be anything but happy for Hope now. She got rid of the waste in her life, and I’m doing good. I’m doing good, I’m doing good._

“Yeah... but, Kelley.” Natasha kills the ball with her feet.

“She’s single now”

 

**

######  (Portland, Oregon) 

Being single was one of the best things in the world for Tobin. She would yell on the rooftops, “Tobin Heath is single!” if she could. She winked at every pretty girl who walked by her. She even got a good amount of marriage proposal signs at some Thorns games recently. When she walked, she felt lighter, her step had more bounce. It was like the burden of Shirley Cruz used to literally be on her back, and now it was tossed to the side, where it appropriately should have been.

Tobin was at a coffee shop, waiting for Allie when she pulled out her phone.S he did her usual routine of stalking Christen’s profile for a few minutes before she switched to her messages. She scrolled through her messages with Kelley, seeing the thousands of pictures of her and Ann doing couply things. She smiled, seeing the genuine happiness in her friends face. Then she texted Alex a good luck for her game on the opposite side of the country. She continued through her messages, then she stopped short when she saw that she still had not deleted her conversation with Shirley. She thought that it would have been gone since she had bought a new phone _fucking Alex_ , but here it was in its entirety. She read Shirley’s texts from a few years back. She could see the progression of their relationship in their conversation, which was sparse within the last year. She read carefully the last few text messages, which progressed from an apology, not knowing what had happened that night of the assault, to anger for leaving her without the room key to get into the hotel. Tobin didn’t even know where she was staying during the few days after the assault.

She recalled when she finally spoke to the Costa Rican after the night of the assault. Tobin had gathered all of Shirley’s stuff from the hotel room that Tobin was harboring her in, without the knowledge of Jill of course, and packed it neatly in boxes. After placing all of her ex- girlfriend’s clothes neatly folded into the boxes, she went to the bathroom, it was time to wash all of her cuts and ran cold water down her hand. _That shit was broken._

She was in the process of stacking up the boxes in the corner of the room, when she heard the room door open. Shirley sauntered in with an angry face. Tobin couldn’t recall the Shirley's exact rant, but Tobin remembered that Shirley was holding up her phone and it was playing a TMZ video of Hope beating her ass.

Tobin let Shirley scream and yell as she calmly opened a box with Shirley’s stuff. She slowly walked to the hotel balcony, box in hand, and unlatched the lock on the door, Shirley following her, still yelling. 

Tobin interrupted her ex girlfriend’s rant, “This is all your shit, by the way” she said before tossing it off the balcony. 

Tobin chuckled at the memory. Tobin was all good NOW. Her runs were faster, her kicks were harder, accurate, and her game face was fierce. She found it hard to stop herself from smiling, and the color in her face was coming back. Of course, that was probably from spending more time in the sun due to the training sessions and matches she was having. 

The day she received the temporary captain’s armband, she just cried. And for the first time in a long time, it was a happy cry. It was pure joy and pride. She just clutched it and held it close to her heart as Mark gave her a hug and a pat on the back. “See, I told you she was going to cry” She heard Kling’s voice yell in the back. Tobin let out a hearty laugh. 

Allie finally showed up, tearing Tobin’s attention away from her phone and her memories, and the two ordered their coffees. 

“Fucking finally, Allie. I’ve been waiting here long enough to go through the novel of text messages between Shirley and I” Tobin said.

“Whatever.” Allie said and waved Tobin off "Why do you still have that shit? I thought you got that new phone after you banned Alex from ever using it again?" 

“Anyways, hey, did you hear about Hope? I was getting ready to head out when I heard TMZ say Hope’s name on the TV. You know, because they love her...” Allie said in a low tone.

“Yeah, actually I did. I don’t know if I’m sad for her, or... happy for her” Tobin said, confused.

“Oh yeah. Jerramy is a dick. Plus, how many times has he been arrested?” Allie said simply.

“And... the fucked up thing is that Hope’s in Jersey playing Sky Blue today.... Out of all days! She’s in Jersey the day that shit hits the fan with TMZ. Those two have bad luck, man” Tobin said. The two looked at each other. Knowing what that meant.

_I hope Kelley is doing okay._

The two stood there and absorbed the situation their friends were going through as they waited for their coffee. Then, Allie gave the world’s cheekiest smirk and said, “Yeah, but life’s fucked up like that, huh? We’re playing Chicago today”  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, let me know what you think!


	15. Toxic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I'm so scared to be vulnerable with you." Hope whispered as she shook her head and looked down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! We are almost at the finish line!

Kelley honestly wasn't expecting the win. Against the Reign and THE Hope Solo. That was definitely something. When the final game whistle blew, amidst the exhaustion, the sweat, and the feeling of hope's eyes constantly on her, Kelley found Natasha and leaped five feet in the air as she celebrated the first win with her. 

"DOPE!" Kelley yelled at her as they did their favorite handshake. "I would kiss you if we both didn't have girlfriends!" She yelled as she brought her friend into a sweaty embrace. Tasha laughed and the rest of the team joined in on the celebrations. After the initial smiles and hugs with her teammates, everyone split up to shake hands with the Reign players. 

_Calm down O'Hara. You're over her now. You're happy for her._ Kelley thought as she found Kim Little and gave her an appreciative good game pat. Kelley managed to find every single reign player and coaching staff before she made her way to the towering figure in her menacing black goalkeeper kit, still standing in the goalposts, with her hands on her hip and a disappointed look etched into her face. 

"Hi" Kelley said softly. She didn't make a move to get too close to Hope, judging that right now Hope needed a comfortable bubble around her after the loss. 

"Hey you" Hope faintly whispered and gave her a small grin. It seemed like a genuine small smile came out for a second, but Kelley could see that Hope still had her hands on her hips and was facing towards the pitch instead of Kelley who was shyly leaning on one of the goalposts. They stood in silence, Kelley fidgeting with her hands at the awkwardness, and Hope standing absolutely still, biting her lip, and confused as what to do next. You could cut the tension in the air, and with every second that went by, there was no denying how more and more awkward it was becoming.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Kelley offered, not being able to stand the tension.

"It's just a game Kell, I'm a big girl" Hope scoffed. 

"You know what I mean" Kelley said quietly.

Hope slowly turned to face Kelley and their eyes met. Instantly, Kelley felt a familiar gravitational pull to the woman in front of her. She didn't even notice that she had taken a few steps away from the goalpost and towards the goalkeeper. This was what Kelley wanted. She wanted this for so long. She can tell from the look on her face that Hope's walls were about to come down. She could see Hope's features soften and resign, like the guards she put up everyday were being dismantled. 

"I'm so scared to be vulnerable with you." Hope whispered as she shook her head and looked down. 

"Why?" Kelley hushed back. It was a question that always weighed on her mind. 

Hope nervously dug at the ground with her cleats, deciding on if she would answer that question. She just kept shaking her head.

"Because you could destroy me." Hope said simply.

 

Kelley stared straight into Hopes eyes, letting that statement sink in. She could feel, on her own body, the pain radiating from Hope. 

"KO! Let's go! Ann said that she wanted to say bye to you before she has to leave!" She heard Tasha's voice cut through the air. Kelley whipped her head back around and saw that most of her teammates and the opposition were gearing up to leave the pitch. She had lost all track of time, too immersed in the bubble of the goal that the number one goalkeeper was standing in. She waved her hand to her teammate, signaling a thumbs up. She turned back around and saw that Hope was already pulling on the Velcro of her gloves and walking to visitor locker room. 

"Wait up, Solo!" Kelley yelled angrily. She jogged after her.

"You can't say those things to me" Kelley forced out. 

"And why not?" hope softly said as she turned around and stopped in the tunnel, looking exhausted from the game, and from life. 

"Because for the past few years, the only one being kicked out of hotel rooms, lonely and destroyed, was me! " Kelley said angrily. She took in the sights and was thankful that nobody was in earshot. "You can't sit there and tell me that I'm the one that hurt you. I told you that I would give you everything. And you brushed me off. Okay?"

Kelley was panting and she could feel the anger boiling to the surface. But she was also aware of where she was. 

After a few moments of silence, Hope finally spoke. 

"I know I hurt you many times in the past, Kell. And I can't fix it anymore. I know I can’t. I can tell by the way you look at me now. You just look at me with either pity or disgust. You don’t look at me like you used to. You don't look at me like i’m the only one." Hope said sadly. 

And in that moment, Kelleys life became imbalanced. She stood there, drinking in a sight she never thought she would ever in life. The mighty Hope Solo, best goalkeeper of all time, stood in front of her, looking so small. She looked more defeated than in the 2011 World Cup final. Kelley just watched as the larger than life woman became smaller and smaller as she made her way to the visitor locker rooms without another word.

 

**

"Hey, give me a kiss before I have to leave." Ann ordered to Kelley as the defender finally emerged from the locker rooms. 

Kelley planted a passionate kiss on her girlfriend’s lips. 

"Whoa. Where did that come from? Not that I don't mind it" Ann smirked. 

"I'll just miss you. I won't see you for a couple of days " Kelley said as she snuggled into her girlfriends embrace. 

"Yeah. But I'll always be here if you need me okay? I'll never leave you." Ann replied. At the sound of those words Kelley relaxed into the embrace. She held on tightly and then released her girlfriend, satisfied at those words. 

**

Kelley shut the door to her New York home slowly and then rested her back on it. After a few minutes of silent thinking, Kelley sprung into action. She decided to keep herself busy, opting out of drowning in her thoughts. Thinking about Hope was not a good thing. 

She cleaned her living room, her bathrooms, the dishes, she even started laundry. Even though her body was exhausted from the game, she knew that she had to run out the fuel of tank she had left so that she could pass out before she had time to think about anything. She then decided to start cleaning her car and found 4 pairs of forgotten under armour cleats! She decided to clean those too. 

When she got to her first pair, she gasped in excitement at the realization that these were the cleats she wore against Germany, the game in which she scored her first goal. They even had the date written on the side of it in sharpie. She inspected the cleats further, remembering that the starting eleven of that game each signed her boots to celebrate her first goal. She smiled at the messy scrawls of her teammates. This was probably the greatest moment of her career, even her life, and it made her smile that the best players in the world were her teammates. And here in her hand, those players had signed her boot like it was the last day of fifth grade and everyone was excited to sign everyone's yearbook. She inspected each inch of the shoe. Kelley smiled as she saw each and everyone’s signature, but stopped at the sight of a little heart drawn on the back heel. 

Kelley put the shoe down quickly as she recalled seeing that heart drawn on it for the first time.

######  June 30, 2015

"Solo. You didn't even sign the goods!" Kelley called out to her as she pointed to the one cleat in her hand. She was hopping around on her socks, chasing the cleat that was being passed around to everyone. 

"Yes I did." Hope said when she got close to the defender. 

"Uhhh, I don't see any lame quotes about hope or anything on here. I see everyone but you on here" Kelley jokingly said as she pointed to the toes of her shoe. 

Hope laughed. " I'm right here " she said and pointed to a small heart scrawled onto the back heel. It was the only thing penned on the back of the cleat. 

"Oh that's adorable. But so unexpected coming from you. Plus, everyone signed in the front. " Kelley said. 

"Since I’m goalkeeper, I always only see the heels of players. Sooooo I put a heart there so when I see your boots, I know that it belongs to the person whose ass belongs to me. PLUS, it’s fitting that it’s in the back, because i’m the only one. " 

Kelley's jaw dropped at the rare moment of affection coming from Hope. 

"You're amazing, you know that?" Kelley smiled, almost awestruck at the gift she just got. This was probably the first time that Hope every said anything about belonging to each other, even if it was a bit crude, it was something.

"I love it when you do that" Hope said genuinely as she playfully ruffled Kelleys hair. 

"Do what?"

"When you look at me like that. " she said simply. 

 

**

As Kelley came back to Earth from the memory, she quickly reached for her phone and sent a text to Hope.

 **Kelley:** You can’t keep thinking that you can come back in my life like that. It worked in the past, but not anymore.

Keley pressed the send button and then relaxed a little. She shoved the newly discovered cleats into a bucket that she placed outside, opting to clean them later. She was about done with cleaning. She peeled off all of her clothes and headed for the shower. She was interrupted by the text tone that signaled a text from Hope. She knew instantly because it was the tone set specifically for Hope, one that she had not heard in ages.

 **Hope:** You asked me if I wanted to talk about it. Can we still do that?

Kelley placed the phone on the bathroom counter and hung her head. She definitely needed this shower.

_I am over her. Why am I doing this?? She has Carli, or whoever, to get her through this. Fuck, I feel 23 again, pining over someone who is not going to give me the time of day. I saw her kiss Jerramy. I saw her choose him as the person she wanted to spend her game celebrations with. And I didn’t feel sad anymore! Why is this happening??_

Kelley furiously scrubbed her head, hoping that her troubles would be scrubbed away.

 _I’m just sad that she is hurting that is it. I am her friend, after all. That is why I was so worried when I saw her standing by herself after the game. Plus, Ann. I love Ann. She would never do any of those things that Hope has done. She has always been there. Always. Which is what I need. Which is something that Hope could never give me._

The defender finished up her shower and put on some comfortable clothes. She got into bed and hesitantly picked up her phone. She had three new messages.

 **Hope:** Please, Kell.

 **Tobin:** Yoooo. I heard you got the win!! Is everything cool....? We got our asses handed to us...

 **Christen:** Hey boo. Congrats on the win!! But I know we have some catching up to do... Btw did you see my goal? Call me later!

Kelley sighed and smiled, knowing exactly what Tobin and Christen were hinting at, yet happy that her friends were there for her. She sent them each a reply, promising to talk later and a congratulations on the goal for Christen. She ignored the text from the first person, put her phone on silent, and passed out in her bed.

**

Kelley couldn’t figure out where the buzzing was coming from. It just keep going and going. At first, it was annoying, but then it had a soothing rhythm. It wasn’t until what felt like hours later, that Kelley woke through her subconscious and she jumped awake, realizing it was her phone. 

14 missed calls from Hope Solo.

_What the fuck?_

The 15th call was incoming as Kelley held it.

“Hope, are you okay??”

“Yeah, Kell. Can you just open your door? I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes.” Hope whispers into the phone.

“Hope, what the fuck? It’s -” Kelley removes the phone from her ear to look at the screen. “ 4 in the morning.”

“I know, I know. Please?”

Too tired to fight, Kelley let out a groan of frustration and marched to her front door. 

_I can’t fucking believe this. Now you want to talk to me. At the most INCONVENIENT TIME Solo._

“What is it, Solo?” Kelley said immediately, annoyed and exhausted. She only relented when she saw Hope’s red and puffy eyes.

“I just wanted to talk to you” Hope whispered. Kelley noticed that Hope was nervously touching her shirt pocket.

“No, Hope. Fucking--it’s 4 am.”

“I know, I know. I just--” Hope shuffled her feet as she looked at the ground. The porch light on Kelley’s house felt like a spotlight.

“You just what?” Kelley said, exasperated.”What is it, Hope? What do you want to tell me? If you want to talk about Jerramy, it can wait. I don’t want to talk about your ex at this UNGODLY hour.”

“I don’t want to talk about him.” Hope said solemnly. And for the first time since Kelley opened the door, Hope was looking straight at her. The fierceness in Hope’s eyes gave Kelley some strength. She stepped out of the house and shut the door behind her as she stepped forward, her face only inches away from the goalkeeper.

“You made it very clear that you didn’t want this. So why are you all of a sudden knocking on my door? I’m not going to be your rebound fuck anymore.” Kelley said through gritted teeth. She was fed up with always being the submissive one to Hope. 

“You were never my--”

“OH PLEASE. Don’t play mind games with me anymore, Hope. I’m too tired for that. One day you tell me that i’m yours, and then the next you’re blaming me for all of your marital issues. NEWS FLASH, i’m not the one who was married at the time! You’re a big girl, you made those decisions not me!”

The two stood in silence. All you could hear was Kelley’s heavy breathing.

“I know that you weren’t the one at fault, Kelley. I know that now! I broke it off with him because I didn’t want to be with him! I just want to be with you!” Hope said desperately. She moved closer to Kelley, gripping the side of her arms.

At this, Kelley stepped back from her touch, wounding Hope deep.

“I’m with somebody now.” She said as she looked straight into Hope’s eyes. Kelley had stepped back all the way into the door, but Hope kept closing the distance. 

“Does she make you happy?” Hope demanded. She was getting closer and closer to Kelley and was right in her face.

“She never kicks me out of hotel rooms and leaves me crying.” Kelley says fiercely.

“Does she make you happy?” Hope said, emphasizing every word.

Kelley just stood there, note responding. Hope repeated the question softly, capitalizing on the hesitation that she can see in Kelley’s face.

“Please just let me make you happy. I’m all yours now.” She whispered. Hope rested both of her hands on the frame of the front door, trapping Kelley in. She studied Kelley’s face, which was riddled with anger. The single tear that escaped from her left eye was the only thing that gave Hope any indication that she wasn’t going to be murdered tonight. They stood there in silence, not wanting to break the it. Hope could feel the anger and frustration boiling under Kelley’s skin.

Kelley broke their gaze and sobbed into her hands.

“Babe--” Hope whispered and pulled the defender into a hug, which Kelley intercepted and placed her hands on Hope’s chest to hold her at arm’s length.  
“Hope. I can’t do this anymore.”

And Kelley turned around and quickly shut the door in Hope’s face.

**BANG BANG BANG.**

“Kelley, Please! I didn’t mean to upset you! Please!” Hope continued knocking on the door, shouting her Kelley's name over and over. She paced back and forth on Kelley’s porch, hoping that she would emerge from the door. After a few more knocks, Hope sighed and hung her head. 

“Fuck! I doubt you’re even there, but I can’t leave here without saying what I need to say.” Hope pulled out a piece of paper from her shirt pocket and hesitantly read it out loud to Kelley’s front door:

“Kelley. I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but I would regret it everyday of my life if I didn’t ask for it at least one more time. I know that I used to not even ask for it, just expecting you to understand what I was going though with Jerramy. I understand now that I hurt you more than I hurt myself when I would kick you out all those nights. 

Back then, I thought I was sparing you from me. I didn’t do happy endings. I was a mess, I still am. I’m just trouble. I have been my whole life. And I didn’t want to ruin you. You were just the purest thing to come into my life and after we would have mind-blowing sex, and you would cuddle next to me, I got reminded of how toxic I was to you. I thought that even though I had to endure you’re sadness and disappointment whenever I would kick you to the curb, it would be better than you falling in love with me, because at least then you would be angry with me, and you could cast me out of your life more easily. 

That’s all my mind was fixated on. I didn’t want to ruin the best person that I have ever known. I didn’t want you to be associated with the trainwreck Hope Solo. And whenever I felt that you were trying to get close to me, or leave your mark on me, like a hickey, I got more upset, because you were ruining your chances of disassociating from me. Married me.

I know now that it wasn’t my place to decide for you whether to love me or not. That was my biggest mistake. I didn’t think for one second about what you really wanted, and what I really could have given to you. If I had given you 100% unfiltered me. I apologize for not thinking about that, from the bottom of my heart.I know that I can’t take our past back, but I would love nothing more to have another chance. I can be as vulnerable as a person can be. 

I told Jerramy about you and our affairs. He knew I was seeing someone else when I was on the road. And everytime I would come back home after nights with you, I grew more and more distant with him. I couldn’t even look at him. All I wanted was you. I still want you.

I know that you may have moved on. And trust me when I say that I know that I may have fucked up for the last time, and that I have absolutely no chance anymore, but if there is still a chance, please tell me. I would let you destroy me.I can’t do this anymore, I can’t stay away from you, not knowing if a small part of you still loves me. Kelley O’Hara, you were the greatest love I’ve had. And that’s not something I can forget.”

Hope took a deep breath, exhausted from the novel she ad just read. She waited.

And waited. _10--9--8--7--6--5--4--3--2--1--0._ Hope counted down.She broke down at the realization that Kelley O’Hara was never going to emerge from that door. She was never there in the first place. She sobbed until she couldn’t anymore.

Hope wiped her face in her shirt, slipped the paper she was reading from under Kelley’s door and made her way to her car. As she put the key into the ignition, she looked up at Kelley’s door one last time. And she drove away in defeat, knowing that this was the last time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**

Kelley waited until she heard Hope’s car drive away. She leaned her head back against her front door as she sat on the floor of her entryway. Kelley wiped the tears that flowed heavily down her face, and then picked up the letter that Hope pushed through the bottom. She ran her fingers over the wet spots that she assumed was Hope’s tears, before she read the first line.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave those comments yo! How you feel about this one??


	16. Entranced

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Look, I just want you to be happy. And SAFE. And regardless of what did or didn’t happen between of us, that doesn’t mean that I want you to be unhappy. I meant it when I told you that you were the best person I’ve ever met.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay you guys. We are at the finish line! Thank you so much to all of you that stuck with me on this story. What an emotional one it was! I can't thank you guys enough for all of the support you have given me.

Christen watched as the ball sailed into the upper 90 of the goal. The net flexed as the ball hit the back of it, the sound and the sight gratifying to the forward. Christen let out the cheekiest smirk and her finger pointed to the sky as her teammates rushed her. They were up 3-0 against the Thorns, but most importantly, that meant that Christen's team was on the top of the charts. And, she was comfortably leading the league in number of goals, the second place spot trailing by five.

She was on top of the world when she was on the pitch. It didn’t matter that she wasn’t starting on the national team, because here she was, during the most important year of the NWSL, on top of the charts. Plus, she knew Jill was somewhere in the stands. This was going to be her year, hers and Kelley’s. Christen jogged back to their defensive half of the field to await the kickoff and finally let herself look at Tobin Heath.

Tobin was already staring at her, and when their eyes finally met, Tobin just smirked and shrugged her shoulders playfully at Christen. Christen winked in response. She didn’t remember anything else about that game after that.

**

When the game whistle blew, Christen felt the butterflies. Throughout the game she was always aware of where Tobin was, but now, it meant that now their physical contact was going to be outside of the game, so it would have to be friendly. Something that they hadn’t done in a long time. She felt like she was in college again, a ball of nerves as she prepared to give Tobin a high five or a 'good game' pat. Christen noncommittally made her way to a group of Thorns players, and hugged and chatted with Lindsey and Kling. She made a note that Tobin was deeper within the group, chatting with Allie.

“Yoo Chris! I hate you, but I love you!” Kling yelled as she jumped onto Christen. Lindsey also brought her into a hug.

“Yeah, you need to stop so that I don’t have to keep getting yellow cards trying to catch up to you.” Lindsey teased. 

“Oh guys.” Christen waved them off but appreciated the words. She continued chatting with her national teammates and gave Allie a hug when she snaked her way into the group. The tall midfielder pulled her into the warmest embrace and when Christen moved to pull apart, Allie looped her arm around Christen’s neck and directed her away from the crowd of players.

“Hey, we gotta talk” Allie said simply.

“Okay.... everything good Al?” Christen said confused.

“Yeah for sure Chris,” Allie waved.”So, Harry is going to kill me for doing this, but she’s too scared of you to stop me now.” Allie smirked and looked over her shoulder.

“Do what Allie?” Christen said nervously.

“Nothing. Sooo, do you still have feelings for Harry?” Allie said and looked at the younger girl with wide and expecting eyes.

“Ummm...I-I” Christen stammered. Christen never did well under pressure and scrutiny when it came to her feelings.

“Because, I know it’s been a few months since you two have talked. But, I know her, she is still pining for you. She stalks your instagram like every twelve seconds. And the few girls that I have seen leave her apartment in the morning when I bring her coffee are your literal doppelgangers. Soooo, do you still have feelings for her? Yes or no?” Allie quickly interjects. 

“Al, I -wait...Tobin is.... dating?” Christen said.

“Seriously? That’s all you heard me say? And no, she’s not dating, Chrissssss. She’s...doing the opposite of that.” Allie said as she furrowed her brow. “Listen, Press. I love you. I love Harry. I want you two to be together. If you don’t want to answer my question, just remember what I said. LITERAL DOPPELGANGERS!” Allie said. She released her arm around Christen and jogged away, looking back with a smirk. “Oh! And before I forget, you and Julie are coming back to Tobin’s apartment for the after match Thorns party. Don’t even give me an excuse. Julie told us you’re coach isn’t going to care. AND, Julie said you’re coming.” Allie winked at Christen and joined the rest of her team.

Christen just stood there in shock. She didn’t even give Tobin a post-match ‘good game’ when she left the field.

**

“Julie, what the hell? You agreed to a thorns get together??” Christen pulled her teammate aside when they got to the hotel.

“Oh, Chris, it’ll be fun. It’s not a Thorns party, it’s our friends. Who happen to all be on the Thorns...” Julie nodded.

“C’mon, I’m pretty tired from the game. I can’t drink alcohol for 4 hours afterwards. Plus we have our flight back to Chicago at 5 in the morning!”

“Oh please all you’re going to do is pass out on the flight. And, Allie told me that Tobin was going to be on her best behavior.” At that statement, Christen furrowed her brow. She was confused. _Does everyone know???_

“Don’t act surprised. Everyone knows, Chris.” Julie smirked.

**

**Kelley:** Hey! Congrats on the goal! I’ll make sure to watch the highlights tomorrow. I’m beat, I mean I am three hours ahead of you guys.....I’ll make sure to call you first thing in the morning! 

Christen smiled as she read the incoming text from her best friend. She knew that a certain goalkeeper was in town in Jersey, so she made sure to reach out to her squirrel friend. They had come so far in their friendship, and she wanted to be the most supportive friend. Christen put down her phone and took a sip from her cup as she observed what seemed like hundreds of people hanging in Tobin’s big apartment. The music was blasting and there were people everywhere. She didn’t know anyone but the few national teammates that were scattered all throughout, so she clung to Julie’s arm while they hung out in the living room by the couches, talking to Kling and Lindsey. She was nervously sipping her cup when she saw Tobin emerge from a room. Christen still had not spoken to her that night, and was deciding on whether she should make contact, when she noticed that a girl that looked a lot like Shirley was on the midfielder's heels. They had emerged from the room, together. Christen sat back down quickly, embarrassed and sad that the girl looked more like Shirley than herself. 

_You are not together, Chris. She is perfectly capable of dating other people. She doesn’t owe you anything. Plus, that girl looks nothing like you. Allie is crazy._

** 

Tobin panicked at the sight of Christen Press in her living room. If she was honest with herself, she didn’t think Christen was actually going to come. _It’s not like she has even looked at my way in the past few months. And now she’s in my apartment! She didn’t even give me a ‘good game’ after the match. Why does Allie feel the need to put me in these situations? I'm going to kill her._

“Toby, so will we get to hang later tonight?” The girl she met the other day said sweetly to her as Tobin got to the kitchen fridge to pour herself a glass of water. She didn't even realize that she was following her. 

“For sure...” She couldn’t quite remember the girl’s name. 

“Lauren” The girl said with a smile. 

“Right! For sure, Lauren.” 

“Cool, i’ll come find you later tonight. Then you can come back to my place again” And she kissed Tobin on the lips before she disappeared into the crowd. 

Tobin cringed at the thought of Christen witnessing that kiss. She avoided staring over at the couches and went over to the other rooms to find Allie. She spotted her in the media room. 

“No way, Harry. Stop stalling. I don’t want to talk to you tonight. Go talk to her” Allie said without looking up from her phone. Tobin groaned and walked away. She pulled out her phone and dialed Alex. 

“Stop calling. I know what you’re doing. Go talk to her.” Alex Morgan’s voice boomed through the earpiece. Her raspy voice was followed by two beeps, signaling that Alex hung up. She decided to text Kelley. She stared at her iphone, waiting for a response. She waited for a few minutes before giving up on her phone. 

Tobin sighed. _So much for best friends..._ Tobin then took a huge breath and then made her way to the living room couches. 

** 

“I thought you didn’t drink much” Tobin said with a smirk as she bumped shoulders with Christen. 

Christen jumped from the initial surprise contact. She chuckled at the memory of the last time she drank a lot in front of Tobin and gave her a good look up and down. She had to admit, the midfielder was looking good these days. Getting rid of Shirley was the best thing that ever happened to her. 

“I’ve been nursing this cup the whole night” She said, looking down into her drink. 

“Yeah, I don’t drink much either. Considering...” Tobin trailed off as she pointed at her cup filled with water. She thought it better to not say anything rather than mention her ex-girlfriend’s name. 

“How is she, by the way?” Christen hesitantly asked. She wasn’t too sure that she wanted to know if Tobin was still in contact with that monster. 

“I have absolutely no idea.” Tobin chuckled. “I’ve moved on. For sure.” Tobin flashed Christen a big smile, wanting to reassure her that she had turned her life around. 

_Yeah I can see that..._ Christen bitterly thought to herself. 

The awkwardness settled in between the two. Followed by silence and nervous shuffling. 

“So uh.. Do you think we can talk?...In private?” Tobin finally said. She let out a breath of relief when Christen nodded after a moment of hesitation. Tobin pointed to her room, where she was before she saw Christen, but the forward quickly offered to go outside. She didn't want to be in the room Tobin last had random stranger sex in. 

Tobin unsure of where to go, led her downstairs and outside and popped right onto the hood of her car. 

“Whoa! New wheels??” Christen said as Tobin climbed onto the tire and hood of what looked like a fully loaded Jeep. 

Tobin smiled. “Ya know, new life, new wheels, new contract deals” She said smoothly. 

“Wow, a lot has changed since I’ve last talked to you, huh? Well, I must say, I’m impressed Heath.” Christen said as she followed suit and sat next to Tobin on the hood. 

“Yeah.....” Tobin said, “Things have been picking up lately. I’ve been killing it on the field, I’ve just been feeling really good. Of course, I’m not leading the boards in goals though..” She said with a smirk. That earned small smile from Christen. 

“But yeah, Nike renewed my contract, Jill has been giving me a lot of minutes, I got the temp captain’s badge for Portland...yeah everything is good!” 

“That’s good Tobs. You look a lot better. I’m assuming that you’re hand is all healed now” Chris said and gingerly took the midfielder’s hand to inspect. She noticed some scarring, but that’s all it was now, scars. 

“Yeah... Also, my arm is all good now. It gets irritated sometimes from sweat, but other than that, it’s all good.” Tobin lifted her arm sleeve, and Christen could see that her arm still had huge scars and scabs, but it did in fact look like it was healing. Christen mindlessly ran her fingers along what would have been the biggest gash in Tobin’s arm. 

“I’m happy for you.” Christen said warmly and she looked Tobin in the eye. “You didn’t let her destroy you.” She said softly. 

Tobin gave her the warmest smile and bashfully lowered her head.“Anyways, I don’t even need to ask you how you are doing. I know that you’ve been killing it!” 

“Oh, you know” Christen shyly says, blushing from the compliment. She wasn’t quite ready to talk about how miserable she was doing off the field. 

“I miss you, Chris” Tobin said quietly. Christen just sadly smiled in response. She stared at Tobin, long and hard. Christen just shook her head and laughed, squirming under Tobin’s seriousness. 

“Soooooo. Allie tells me that you’re dating now too, that’s good...” Christen mustered up all the positive attitude she had to deliver that sentiment for Tobin. 

“Chris....” Tobin muttered with a resigned tone and with a shaking head. 

“What? I’m..really happy for you.” Christen knew that even she couldn’t convince herself when she said that. “Look, I just want you to be happy. And SAFE. And regardless of what did or didn’t happen between of us, that doesn’t mean that I want you to be unhappy. I meant it when I told you that you were the best person I’ve ever met.” Christen offered. 

“Is that why you’ve ignored me all year?” Tobin asked quietly and fiercely. Christen sighed. She realized that she couldn’t keep avoiding this conversation. She had been doing it so well for the whole year, but she knew that she couldn’t keep it up. Not tonight. 

“Are we really going to have this conversation?” Christen asked. Tobin solemnly nodded. Christen was silent for a moment and mentally prepared herself and she took in a deep breath. She looked Tobin square in the eye. She counted to 10 before she spoke again. 

“I’ve never told you this, but I took the job in Sweden back in the day because I was SO in my head about my feelings for women.” Christen paused and she registered the confused expression on Tobin’s face. 

“Really?” 

“Yeah. Really. Most specifically, my feelings for.....you. I mean, I know that’s crazy, I had never really had a full conversation with you when I accepted the job, but-” Christen took another gulp. She couldn’t believe she was telling Tobin this. 

“Chris. I had no idea...” Tobin offered. 

“I know. I didn’t want you to know. Before Sweden, I was just a mess. A total mess. I was even going to quit football. Like, I seriously considered it. I was just so unhappy because I didn’t know why I was attracted to..you.. And for a long time, I really struggled with it. You know, there were days when I didn’t want to be Christen Press anymore. So, I thought that if I got a really good opportunity and it was another country, that it would help me. 

But, I was so enamored with you, Tobs. Even way back in college and when I first came to camp. I spotted you one day at a game, and I just wasn’t able to get an image of you in your UNC uniform out of my head. I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I mean, I was so scared. And I was so young back then! But at the time, I was also beginning to hate soccer because I was hating myself because I was so confused about being gay and whatever blah blah blah! Point is, you had a strong psychological hold me, well before I told you about my crush on you.” 

Tobin paused and took in the information before saying, “So why didn’t you want me to know any of this?” 

“I don’t know Tobin. I just never knew how to act around you. I mean, every time you tried to talk to me, I just fumbled and ran away. And I didn’t like that someone had this effect on me. And fuck, did you have an effect on me..” 

“What does that mean?” Tobin asked. 

“ Did you know that you gave me my first orgasm? My first mind-blowing, fucking unbelievable, orgasm. I thought that I had gotten over you when I found someone in Stockholm, but I was wrong. No one has ever made me feel that way.” Christen offered. Tobin’s face was in shock but was quickly replaced with a smirk. 

“And then...you gave me my first heartbreak. You dumped me the next day to soothe your deadbeat girlfriend. I don’t think you realize how hurt I was. I really don’t think you know. You left me in such a dramatic fucking fashion and hopped on the plane to Paris, the most fucking romantic city on Earth, to your girlfriend!” At this point, Christen’s arms were animatedly moving to stress the important parts of Christen’s speech. Tobin quietly listened and took every word in. 

“And then, my heart broke all over again when I found out the truth about Shirley. I wanted to help you. I really did. But you just weren’t having it. You were too wrapped up in self-loathing and guilt. I mean, at the time, I didn’t understand. I thought it was because you were in love with her. I thought you were choosing her. When I found out what happened that night in LA, I was still in shock. And I didn’t know how to handle it. Like I said, I had it in my head that no matter what happened, you still chose her. You continued to take her shit, because ultimately you were always going to choose her over me.” 

Christen took a deep breath. She could feel her throat closing up and the tears starting to form behind her eyes. 

“I told you I was done with her. I told you I wasn’t hers anymore” Tobin said quiety. 

“Yeah, but you had just broken up with a girl that you were with for what- 3/4 years?” Christen retorted. 

“You knew how I felt about you! You knew that I risked my relationship for you! For you!” 

Christen bitterly laughed and shook her head. At this point, all of Christen’s emotions that were pent up were flowing out. And she sure wasn’t going to stop now that she had the platform. “I’d hardly call a one night stand in another country “risking it.” C’mon, you ditched me the next day! You didn’t call me, you didn’t text me. And, you owed me those things! At least an explanation! But no! I had to find out from Kelley what was going on with you." She spat out. 

"And don’t blame me for the demise of your relationship on me Heath! Shirley was a trainwreck, and don’t act like I was the one who forced you into bed, okay? You weren’t forced into that situation, and you made that decision. I’m not the cheater!” 

And at the mention of the C word, Christen instantly regretted it. She looked over at Tobin and saw her hurt expression. 

“Tobin, I’m sorry” she said quietly. “ I - I didn’t mean it like that” 

The two sat there in silence. Feeling the biting words that were exchanged. It was a good two minutes that the silence hung in the air. 

“You’re right. I was a cheater.” Tobin said suddenly, nodding her head, “and I absolutely hate that about myself. Trust me. I let myself get beaten up and abused because I thought I deserved it. I never thought in a million years that I would become that person. The cheater, or the abused.” Tobin said solemnly. 

“But, I wanted to be with you.” Tobin said sadly and simply. Silence found them again. “I still want to be with you, Chris” She said softly. 

“Then what do you call the Shirley look-a-like who was kissing you in the kitchen?? Or the girls that Allie tells me she finds in your apartment??” Christen angrily responds. 

“Passing the time until you come back to me!” Tobin angrily retorts. Christen felt so many emotions at once. She couldn’t decide how that statement made her feel. 

“What do you-- what are you talking about Heath? Christen sputtered. 

“Ugh! Chris. Are you serious? All of this, me getting better, me changing my life around, is to show you that I’m not Shirley’s anymore! You told me to give you space and I’ve given you enough! Okay? So while you have been figuring your shit out, I’ve just been biding my time, filling my days with distractions! But as every day passes, every week, every month, I grow more and more scared that you’re not coming back! ” Tobin yelled and her words with riddled with fire and passion. 

“You’re supposed to be getting better for yourself, not for me” Christen said quietly. 

“Chris..” Tobin shook her head, trying to calm herself, “Everything is for you.” She breathed. 

The two sat still and looked down at their own laps, unsure of how to proceed. Christen only moved when she noticed a yellow car slowly drove up to Tobin’s jeep and stop, parked two feet in front of it, its engine still running. Christen was confused, but Tobin looked unfazed. 

“Hey, Toby, are you coming?" A high pitched voice came from the window of the car. Christen noticed that it looked a lot like the Shirley look-a-like. 

Tobin turned to Christen, “I love you, Christen Press. " Christen caught her breath at the sound of those words. "But, am I wasting my time waiting for you? Do I even have a chance?” Tobin said quietly. 

“Toby??” Lauren called out again. 

Christen panicked and she could feel the walls closing in on her as the anxiety enveloped her. She just stood there with wide eyes, not being able to formulate words. _Did Tobin Heath just say she loved me?_ Christen’s vision blurred, her heart beat rapidly, and her chest was heaving. She didn’t even know what was going on as Tobin’s last words rung in her head. She couldn’t move. She couldn’t speak. 

Tobin hung her head in defeat. She slowly jumped off the hood of her jeep. She could feel pain of the rejection in her chest. She looked back at Christen. 

“Tobin, I’m sorry I-” 

“It’s okay Chris. I understand.” 

Tobin then hopped into the girl’s car. 

Christen sat on the hood, dumbstruck. She sat completely still as she watched Tobin drive away to be with another girl for the second time. She kept her eyes on the car until it was the size of an ant, too far away.  
  
  


###### 

  
  
  


Christen Press sat at the airport gate at 4 in the morning with her hoodie over head, coffee glued to her hand, and her headphones embedded into her ears as she let her head hang over the back of the chair. She let the music block out all of the sounds as she observed her Red Stars teammates chat, sleep, and loiter all around the gate. Thankfully it was too early and there were no crazy fans asking for her autograph. She wasn’t going to be able to deal. 

She sat there, thinking about the night before. She recalled the sight of the car driving away and the look on Tobin’s face when she turned to look at Christen one last time before hopping in the car. It was filled with so much hurt and disappointment. She replayed the scene over and over. 

_How could she do this to me? How could she just drive off with another girl? How could she..._

Christen quickly pressed next on phone when a happy sounding song flooded her ears. She wasn’t in the mood for a happy song. It didn’t fit the mood. She let the music play when “All My friends” by Snakehips played. She played it on repeat, the music and the melody soothing the pain that constantly kept hitting Christen in the chest. She bobbed her head to the music and felt it pulse through her veins. She was getting into it, and was singing along, but was cut short when the music suddenly stopped. She looked down at her phone, confused. She saw Kelley’s goofy face splashed across the screen. She loved her friend, but she wasn’t ready to tell Kelley about last night. She let the call go to voicemail and closed her eyes and passed out before her flight. 

** 

Christen dragged her feet to the baggage pick up carousel when the flight landed. She ignored all of her teammates, and every human being at the airport when she shuffled through the crowd. She even waved off JJ, who kept apologizing to her. It didn't take a genius to know that Christen was still pissed at her for dragging the two to Tobin's party. When Christen stood waiting for her luggage, she quickly searched for her phone and scrolled to findKelley’s contact, remembering that she had to return her call. She figured that the long flight was enough time to process and tell KO. 

“Christen” Kelley gravelly said. 

“Whoa. What’s wrong??” Christen was alarmed at Kelley’s unusual seriousness and sadness. 

“Pressy, the most fucked up thing happened last night” 

Christen listened intently as her friend went on about the events of last night, and she grabbed her bags and went straight into a cab to take her to her home. 

“Wait, so Hope said, what??” Christen yelled into her phone. She looked out the cab window and noticed that she was nearing her home. She resumed to listen intently to her friend. She fidgeted head rest of the passenger seat as Kelley rambled on and avoided the quizzical stares of the driver. 

“Wait, so what does this mean??” Christen said as she handed the cab driver 40$, waving off the change. She was too engrossed in Kelley’s rant to care about 15$ of change. She grabbed her bags out of the trunk of the cab that was parked on the street in front of her house. She cradled the phone between her shoulder and her ear. She couldn’t believe what Kelley was telling her. She struggled to keep her phone from dropping while she searched for her house key, pushing aside the contents of her purse during her search. She grinned when she heard the jingle and she wrapped her hands around them. 

“What do you mean you broke up with Ann?????” Christen yelled into her phone. She dropped her keys on the floor, and her luggage tipped over. Christen dropped everything in her hands, shocked at what her friend was saying. She struggled but managed to sling her purse up her arm, and awkwardly crouched down to grab her luggage handle. She finally got a good grip on her house keys. 

  
  
  
  
  
  


“Ahem” 

Christen jumped again when she heard someone clear their throat a few feet away from her. She looked up. Christen’s eyes widened and her jaw dropped. Her heart beat rapidly. Christen stood still. She couldn’t hear Kelley’s frantic voice on the phone anymore as she stared at the person in front of her. She was so entranced. 

  
  


Tobin Heath was on her doorstep. 

“Hi” Tobin said softly. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For one last time, Let me know what you think! Leave those comments.  
> Did you love it? Do you hate me now for ending it like that? Let me know!  
> Also! 
> 
> I want to keep writing! Reach me on tumblr @wretchedthorium (yes I know, my Ao3 name is misspelled). Let me know if you got some ideas or some prompts! I'll see what I can do! If ya dig my writing or have any thoughts let me know. I really enjoyed this one guys!


	17. JV

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "And, I’m pretty sure that I will hate myself for saying this, but I need to move on from this. And you owe it to me to let me."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright Alright. I got to thinking. Maybe I should continue with this story.... Pondered a few days and envisioned how I would want these guys to end up. I'm glad I did. I hope you are too. Now just remember folks, if you have been staying with this story, you know that i like to time hop. So expect that and a lot of dialogue. I'm just being my usual self. Enjoy this special gift yo!

######  Last night/Earlier this morning 

Kelley violently jerked and gasped awake, shaken and frightened. She looked around as her eyes took in the sight of her entryway and her heart pounded through her chest. She rested her head on her front door and noticed that the morning sun’s rays were coming through the windows to her left. She rubbed her eyes and her chest, wanting to calm the beating muscle, and slowly pulled herself up. Her muscles struggled to bring her upright, and her ass and back were sore. She groaned loud, realizing that she hadn’t moved from the place she sat, listening to Hope declare her love. She sighed and rolled her eyes, realizing that she had been reduced to a pathetic sack of a human being, left crying herself to sleep because of Hope Solo. _Again._

Kelley gently massaged her back and stretched, trying to wake herself up. As she bent down to stretch her hamstrings, Kelley fixed her eyes on Hope’s letter which was on the floor next to her. _The letter. How could I forget the letter?_ Kelley stared at it long and hard and furrowed her brow when she noticed a small marking on the side of the paper, opposite of Hope’s paragraphs. She picked it up gingerly, noticing that the letter was not completely dried from a mixture of Hope AND Kelley’s tears. Kelley unfolded the paper so it was flat, and quietly gasped as she saw the small marking that had caught her attention.

It was small heart.

**

“Why are you doing this to me?” Ann said through the phone.

“I don’t know.” Kelley said, shaking her head. She knew that Ann could not see her, but her whole body was wracked with confusion and fear.

“I don’t know, Ann. I just-. I just don’t know what to do. So I’m calling you. You’re the first person I want to talk to.” Kelley sighed and braced herself for Ann’s response. But, there was none. Just silence. It wasn’t the comfortable silence that lovers usually enjoyed, but the kind in which signaled the demise of relationships.

“I don’t want to be the first person you want to talk to because Hope Solo broke your heart again.” Ann sighed. Her voice was not filled with anger, but hurt and resignation. “Why did you have to do this when I’m out of town? Why couldn’t you be a good person and at least do this to my face?”

“Ann! I- I’m not breaking up with you. I’m just telling you what happened last night. I don’t want to keep anything from you. Okay?”

“Are you serious, Kell?

“Ann, stop. I just want to talk to my best friend about a seriously fucked up thing that happened to me.”

“No.” Ann responded firmly.

“No? Wh- What do you mean, no?

“No, Kelley. I’m not talking to you about this.”

“Ann. You’re my girlfriend. I need yo-”

“No. I’m not. I’m not your girlfriend.” Ann said bluntly.

Kelley stood still. She couldn’t believe what she just heard.

“Ann. What are you talking about? Why are you saying things like that?” There were tears starting to pool in her eyes. 

“I’m not doing this anymore. I CAN’T do this anymore, Kelley. I’m done playing second to Hope Solo.” Ann’s voice wavered, but had a firm conviction.

“I don’t want you to- I’m not asking you to!” Kelley desperately yelled into her phone.

“Well then, I’m telling you. I’m not doing this anymore. We BOTH know that after you get off the phone with me, who you will be looking for next. I will grab the stuff I have at your place sometimes when I’m home.”

“Ann. For fuck’s sake. I’m not letting you go. Okay? I just wanted to do the right thing in our relationship. I just wanted to be open about what was happening in my life! I don’t want to keep secrets from you. I know that we have an amazing thing, and that is why I am doing the hard thing in telling you that yes, an ex of mine came over, but I’m here doing the right thing in telling you about it! And I’m doing it because I love you!” Kelley yelled into the receiver.

“Kelley, just stop.” Ann said quietly.

“No, I love you.” Kelley whispered. She breathed out the last word and her chest started aching. She could feel Ann giving up on the other side of the phone. “Please, I love you, I love you.” Kelley just repeated the phrase over and over quietly as she doubled over, her cell phone to her ear, tears streaming down her face, and the her left arm clutching her chest. 

“That’s not enough, Kell.” Ann finally said.

“What do you mean?” Kelley yelled back.

“I mean, it’s not enough. You loving me is not enough. I’m not enough. You think I don’t know that?” Ann said quietly. She spoke so slowly, making her words deliberate and filled with emotion and thought. “You think I don’t know that Hope has a special ringtone on your phone? Or that you tense up at the mention of her name? Or that you look at her so differently than how you look at your friends? Or how you look at me?” Ann’s voice cracked a little on the other end.

“You think I don’t see you look for her after a game? You think I don’t know you, Kelley? You can blab on and on about how what you’re doing is ‘right’ but you and I both know that what you’re doing is not ‘right.’ We both know it.”

“Ann, I know that I have had my baggage with Hope Solo, but I truly am over her. I see her with Jerramy, and I don’t feel that pain that I used to. Not since I’ve found happiness with you!”

Ann laughed. “ No Kelley, I’ve just filling in the space for her until she comes back.”

Kelley’s eyes widened at what Ann had just said. Her heart stopped. 

“Listen,” Ann continued, “I love you. So much. And I also hate you. So much. I knew this was going to happen. I fucking knew it. But I pushed it aside, thinking that 'oh everything will eventually work out' but no, that was never going to happen. At least for not for me. Okay? I'm not going to sit here and listen to you tell me that you love me. You don't. And you never did. Or, at least, it's just not enough. The minute Hope Solo comes around, I'm pushed down to JV. And I don't fucking deserve it. I don't. And, I’m pretty sure that I will hate myself for saying this, but I need to move on from this. And you owe it to me to let me. I’m just not going to come back to NY for awhile. So just-please pack up my stuff and give it to my sister. I can’t do this with you anymore.”

And with that, Kelley heard her phone beep twice, signaling that Ann hung up on her.

**

######  Portland, Oregon

“I know, I know, it’s just an emergency.” Tobin said. Her impatience was seeping out and her annoyance with the girl at the wheel of the car was showing.

“Toby, I -”

“Listen!” Tobin yelled as she put her hands to her face, “ Sorry, for yelling, I just...Lauren, I really need to get to the airport. I know that I’m being an asshole to you, but I just- I- it’s an emergency.” Tobin said. Lauren paused to think about it, and then slowly braked the car to a stop onto the shoulder of the street.

“Listen, I don’t give a fuck who you are, but I’m not about to just be used by some fuckboy soccer player who fucking wears snapbacks” Lauren replied fiercely. Tobin was taken aback.

“Wow, Lauren. Tell me how you really feel.” Tobin said defensively.

“Oh please. You just learned what my name was a couple of hours ago. Don’t fucking act like you’re a fucking saint, Tobin Heath. “ Lauren reached over to the passenger side and pulled the door handle to open the door. “Now, get the fuck out of my car.”

**

“Alex, please pick up” Tobin whispered to herself. She was alone in the dark at an abandoned lot of what used to be a gas station, at least 10 miles away from her apartment. “ Fucking pick up!” She yelled into her phone as it went to Alex Morgan’s voice mail.

_How the fuck is it that when you have your own fucking phone, that you can’t answer me?_

Tobin considered throwing her phone into the ground out of frustration, but when she winded up her arm, it started buzzing. It was an incoming call from Alex.

“Oh my fucking god, finally” Tobin yelled into the phone.

“What happened? Did you talk to her?”

“YES ALEX! I talked to her, and now I’M ABANDONED AT SOME LOT, BY MYSELF, AND IN THE DARK!” Tobin yelled.

“Wait, why? Where are you? What happened? Do I need to call the police?” Alex’s voice was panicked.

Tobin sighed. She was physically and mentally drained. She had just played a 90 minute soccer game, confessed her love to Christen Press, and was now having to talk about her feelings with Alex Morgan.

“I messed up Alex. I need to fix this” She said quietly. She didn’t want to offer more details, too drained from the evening.

“Wait, what happened?” Alex repeated.

“Listen, I asked her if I was wasting my time by waiting for her after I told her I loved her.”

“And...?” Alex said impatiently.

“And she didn’t answer and just looked at me with sad eyes. So I drove off with Lauren-”

“Lauren? Lauren Holiday? What was she doing there? I miss her s-”

“NO! Ugh. Not Cheney. Just some other girl that I met last weekend or something.” Tobin said impatiently.

Tobin waited for Alex’s response, but only heard silence. Tobin looked at her phone to make sure the call didn’t drop.

“Alex....”

“Tobin Powell Heath, are you telling me that you left the conversation by driving off with another random girl that you slept with.....?” Alex said through gritted teeth.

“We-Well...when you put it like tha-”

“Oh my fucking god, Tobs.”

“I KNOW! But two seconds in, I realized that I’m the douchiest person ever. So I want to fix it! And I told Lauren to drop me off at the airport so that I could just meet Christen in Chicago, you know, a few hours from now when she isn’t pissed at me, but instead Lauren kicked me out of the car and left me at this gas station or whatever. Now I don’t know what to do! And I dont’ even know what I was thinking? If I talk to Christen, I don’t even know where she lives in Chicago!”

Alex sighed. She was so frustrated with her best friend’s decisions.”First of all, if I was this Lauren chick, I would dump your ass by the side of the road, too. Okay? You know that you can’t be treating other people like that! Second of all, I’ll text JJ to give me the address and I’ll let you know. Third of all, just get an Uber to take you to the airport!” 

“Lex, I don’t even have uber on my phone, let alone know how to call for one or how it fucking works” Tobin frustratingly retorted.

“Yes, you do. I downloaded it on your phone.” Alex said shyly.

Silence followed.

“What do you mean you downloaded it on my phone?” Tobin said darkly. “You have been banned from my new phone for awhile now Alex....”

“Listen! The important thing is that you have a way to get to the airport!” Alex said cheerily.

“Alex..”

“Okay, okay. So every once in awhile I’ll use your phone to play games or whatever when you’re asleep on the bus. No big deal..”

Silence followed. Again.

“Just tell me how this Uber thing works.” Tobin deadpanned.

######  Present Day

“Kelley, I gotta go” Christen whispered into the phone. She didn’t even wait for her friend’s response before she hung up. Her eyes were still fixed on the woman in front of her, searching and analyzing the enigma that was Tobin Heath.

“Wh-What uh - what are you doing here?” Christen asked hesitatingly, still clutching her luggage tight.

“I don’t know.” Tobin said quietly. With that response, Christen noticed how exhausted Tobin looked. She had bags under her eyes, which were drooping slightly, and her body seemed to sag, like it was using almost all of its energy just to hold itself up. And she was smiling at Christen, but it was a weak smile, not her usual infectious grin.

“I told Lauren to drop me off at the airport, probably 30 seconds after I got in her car. I don’t know Chris, I just wanted... I just want to hear you say what you want from me. A-And I want you to answer my question.” Tobin said. Her eyes glazed over, not really knowing if she could handle Christen’s response after a long red eye flight.Tobin nervously rubbed the back of her neck. She honestly didn’t know how Christen was going to react.

“What question? And what was Lauren Holiday doing in Portland?” Christen said quietly and with a twinge of irritation. The long flight, the heartbreak, and the indirect questioning was making Christen’s head spin.

“Chris, I just.. Lauren is the girl that picked me up last night. And.. I just want to hear you tell me if I’m wasting my time.” Tobin said quietly. She nervously fidgeted with the lint in her pockets, as she waited for Christen to speak. She couldn’t stand the silence that followed.

Tobin’s heart fell as she watched Christen walk past her without a glance towards her front door. She sighed as she heard Christen unlock her door behind her.

_Why did I think this would work? Why do I let Alex talk me into things? Why am I doing THIS??? It’s been months! She hasn’t even looked my way. She hasn’t even texted or called me. She hasn’t reached out to me once. I told her I loved her. I’m the one who did everything I could have done. I didn’t do anything wrong this time. Why am I holding onto Christen Press? Why am I -_

“Are you coming?” Tobin heard Christen’s voice call from somewhere inside her house.

**

Christen stood, leaning against her kitchen table, too afraid to get comfortable when Tobin Heath was in her house. Tobin was leaning against the counter, opposite of her.

“Where are your bags?” Christen asked curiously. She noticed that Tobin was empty handed.

The midfielder just shrugged and shook her head. “ I - uh. I don’t have any.” Tobin laughed. She offered a weak smile, realizing that Christen was not laughing in response. “I just hopped on the first flight out to Chicago.”

Christen stood there and absorbed the information, and then shuffled around the kitchen. The midfielder just watched her as she made them both a cup of coffee and gave Tobin a chocolate bar from her purse. She explained with a smile that since she didn’t have any food around since she was gone most of the time. Tobin gladly accepted, realizing how exhausted and hungry she was. She had not eaten since 4 hours before her game last night. Maybe the adrenaline from last night was the only thing fueling her body. The two silently drank their coffee, both leaning on the kitchen counter, zoning out and absorbing life.

“I’m going to see if I have extra towels and a toothbrush for you.” Christen said quietly and exited her kitchen. Tobin could hear Christen’s movements all throughout the house and took the opportunity to take in the fact that she had never been to Christen’s house before. She slowly made her way into Christen’s living room where there were baby pictures and childhood photos of the forward hung everywhere. She saw many pictures of the forward’s dogs and smiled at the huge grin on a younger looking Christen’s face in many photos.

And then, Tobin noticed a huge collage frame on one of the walls. It contained many pictures of Christen in her yellow Tyreso uniform posing with what looked like her other teammates. Some of the pictures were of the forward posing in front of what looked like a monument or somewhere with a beautiful scenic background. Tobin also noticed most of these pictures were with Christen and one other girl. In most pictures they were holding hands. And not in the way that you would a friend’s hand. In one of the pictures, this mystery girl was nuzzling Christen’s neck as they were in a tight embrace, laughing and on some soccer field.

Tobin realized that this must have been Christen’s first girlfriend from Sweden.

“Those were some of the best years of my life” Christen whispered. She silently appeared at Tobin’s shoulder. Tobin smiled back, remembering how happy Christen was when the forward told her all about Sweden back in the day. She recalled that it was the first time she saw Christen smile. From the pictures, it looked like it must have been the best time of her life. Tobin thought that this would have made her jealous, but as she looked at the mystery girl, she silently thanked her. She was a huge reason why Christen and Tobin started to come together. This mystery girl helped Christen realize who she really was.

“I-uh- found some towels and a toothbrush for you and put them on my dresser. I’m going to take a shower but you can go first, but feel free to raid my closet for some clothes. I’m just going to get all of my luggage and unpack and all that good stuff.”

Tobin sympathetically nodded and Christen led the midfielder to her room and pointed to her closet, and then to another door, revealing a master suite bathroom. Christen left her room, back out towards the living room. The midfielder grabbed a pair of shorts and a random t-shirt and saw the huge comfy bed in the corner of the room. She sat on it, curious as to how Christen slept every night, firm or soft? Tobin looked around, fascinated that this room was definitely representative of Christen, who she could hear unzipping her luggage in the distance. Every piece of furniture was clean and pristine, perfectly dusted and perfectly placed. Tobin laid down on the bed, and as soon as her head hit the pillow, she was out like a light..

 

**

Christen gingerly pulled out all of her belongings out of her luggage and put them into neat piles to make it easier to put things away in their proper place. She took her time, still wanting to be alone with her thoughts, knowing that Tobin Heath was in her bedroom. She didn’t know how to handle it. When she pulled out the last thing out of her luggage, her cleats, she noticed that she still had not heard the shower being turned on. She got up to check on the midfielder, and stopped in the doorway when she saw Tobin asleep on her bed. She smiled to herself and her chest ached a little at the sight. After a few minutes, she reluctantly tore her eyes away from the sleeping figure and then resumed unpacking and tiptoed around to put things in the right place. When she finished, she just stood there looking out at the person on her bed, again.

_Tobin Heath. The effect you have on me._

Christen recalled the last time she had Tobin Heath in a bed.

_What is happening? I know that Shirley is gone, but what is she doing here? I can’t do this again. I can’t open up to her and have this happen again. I was so ready to give myself to her back in the day. I just can’t handle having her leaving again.._

Christen sat next to the sleeping midfielder and looked at the deep scars on her arm. She had seen Tobin’s arm multiple times in training and in her uniforms, but Christen still could not get over the pain of Tobin’s battle with Shirley. The scars that Tobin beared were horrifying to look at.

_Why did she put up with that? I mean, no one in their right mind would have just let this tiny person just pulverize them right?... Tobin is so kind. God knows I wasn’t the nicest person to her all of the time, but she always said ‘Hi’ to me everyday we were at camp. Why did this happen to her? She is such a good person and she stayed with her! Even after all of the hitting and and the alcohol. Why did Tobin feel the need to fix Shirley? I guess she just really felt like it was a mistake to be with me... But then why is she here?? After all of this time. I mean, she said that she loved me.. That has to be it. It is. I know that. I do. Then why am I still so hurt?_

Christen noticed the exhaustion from the flight and the events of the day settle in her body. She climbed into bed and laid her head onto Tobin’s chest and tangled her feet into the feet of the midfielder. She stayed like that until her breathing slowed and the world around her faded to black. 

**

 

Tobin’s eyes slowly fluttered open as she woke up. At first, through her grogginess and disorientation, she panicked for a second, not knowing where she was or who this person on her was. Lately, she had been finding herself in this position a lot of mornings. She only saw black hair.

The midfielder looked around and then took a breath of relief. It was only Christen. _Wait. It’s Christen. Press._ Tobin relaxed a little and realized that Christen had been cuddling up to her. As much as she wanted to savor this moment, she knew that she probably smelled like sweat and airplane. Tobin’s eyes instantly widened out of horror that Christen had been breathing in her rank smell. Tobin silently moved from Christen’s embrace, replaced her former position with a pillow and then jumped in the shower.

Tobin let the warm water run over her head. The warms stream massaged her scalp and effectively relaxed all of her muscles. She wanted to desperately to formulate a game plan on what to say to Christen, but the warm water seemed to wash away all logical thinking and desire to apply her brain. Tobin just closed her eyes as she looked up at the shower head and the water hit her face.

Tobin jumped when she heard the bathroom door shut. Through the clear glass shower door, Tobin could make the outline of Christen sauntering over to her. The midfielder didn’t move, but tilted her head so that she was looking at the forward. Christen slowly pulled the handle to the shower door open, and Tobin did her best not to show any reaction of seeing Christen Press naked in front of her. She locked her eyes with the forward’s trying her best not to look at the rest of her body. She gulped. Hard.

“Can I join?” Tobin heard Christen say over the hiss of the shower. Tobin just nodded, resisting the urge to widen her eyes at the idea of a naked Christen Press coming into her shower. 

_A. Wet. Naked. Christen. Press._

Tobin moved so that Christen could get under the shower head. She involuntarily licked her lips at the sight. 

“Soo...what is this?” Tobin sputtered out over the sound of the stream of the shower.. She instantly cursed herself, realizing that was probably the most un-smooth thing she could have done in this moment. _Fuck, I’m so stupid._

“What is what?” Christen said as she ran her fingers through her wet hair.

“I mean- am I- what are we...” Tobin stuttered. She was also shivering because it wasn’t her turn under the warm shower head.

Christen laughed at the sight of a stuttering Tobin. “Come here” Christen whispered and pulled Tobin by her arms underneath the shower head and stepped back. She could see Tobin’s chattering teeth. Christen felt something in between her legs at the sight of Tobin letting out a slight moan of pleasure as the warm water enveloped her body again. She watched as Tobin threw her head back and her eyes closed. She watched the many streams of water flow in and around Tobin’s lips and into her mouth and all the way down throughout her body. Now, it was Christen’s turn to lick her lips. She watched as a stream of water flowed from Tobin’s shoulder and down her left nipple, to her belly button, and then down in between her tanned legs. Christen kept her eyes there, trying to steady her heart which was beating at 100 miles per hour. 

Christen’s eyes instantly shot up, realizing that Tobin was watching her drink in her body. It didn’t help her heart beat. She observed that Tobin was staring straight at her. Tobin held Christen’s intense gaze.

“Did I ruin something?” Tobin whispered, smirking as she ran her fingers through her hair and rested her hands on the nape of her neck.

Christen caught her breath.

“Never.” She whispered back.

And then, Christen closed the distance between them and softly placed her lips on Tobin’s. But she quickly pulled back, only leaving a peck. She was scared of the consequences of her brashness. She stood there and searched Tobin’s face for a reaction. The midfielder was mostly stunned. She didn’t know what say, so she said the only thing on her mind.

“I love you, Tobin Heath.”

Tobin let out her trademark infectious grin, and Christen swore that the water in Tobin’s eyes were not from the shower head. Tobin pulled Christen into her and kissed her deeply, pulling the forward’s body into hers. They stayed like that until the water turned cold.

###### 

* 2 months after*

 

The gals were back at it again on the field during camp for their two upcoming games against Japan. They were playing in their usual small sided game with Alyssa in one goal, and Hope in the other. The game was intense and fiesty. The girls were slide tackling and it seemed like ankles were breaking every time Tobin Heath ran down the flank.

Hope kept her eyes on Tobin on the wing, but alsoCrystal and Christen who were charging her goal. Hope rushed to the middle of her goal when saw Tobin angle her hips. She knew Tobin was about to cross it instead of charging the box. She watched as the the ball sailed in the air and made contact with Christen’s forehead and instantly knew that it was going straight for the upper left corner. Hope dove and outstretched her arms, and watched as the ball grazed her finger tips and hit the back of the net. _Ugh_

Hope punched the ground, instantly regretting it, and then grabbed the ball from the net and quickly turned around.

“O’Hara! Cover! You’re the fucking defender!” Hope yelled out as the opposing team of girls cheered. 

“Solo, why don’t you make a save once in fucking while! Then maybe you wouldn’t have to wait five games until you reached your 100th clean sheet!” Kelley responded. She backed away holding her hands up and shrugged, “Just a suggestion” Kelley offered and ran back to her position.

Hope sent the ball flying so that they could continue play in the middle of the field and watched as Christen jumped onto Tobin and wrapped her legs around the midfielder’s waist. Christen Press then planted her lips on Tobin Heath. In front of everyone.

“Hey.. Did you just see that?” Ashlyn Harris elbowed Hope’s arm. Ashly’s mouth was wide open as she moved to take her place in the goal. The two of them stood there, taking in the sight of two of their teammates locking lips.

“This shit is crazy. At least now, it’s not just the A team” Ashlyn winked at Hope. The rest of the gals looked surprised, but not knowing how to handle it, just continued on with the game. Hope just walked off the field to stand next to the goal post waiting for next turn in goal. She took off her gloves and crouched down to observe the play. Carli caught her eye and gave her a wide eyed stare and pointed at Tobin, as if to ask ‘What the hell was that?” Hope just shrugged and laughed. Carli just laughed and shook her head.

For the rest of the hour left, Hope found herself watching Kelley. The sight of Kelley was making her miserable. Really miserable. And she wasn’t on her game anymore. She wasn’t performing like the number one goalkeeper she was. Hope sighed in frustration. Kelley O’Hara had avoided her since that night on the doorstep.

_I know that she doesn’t want me anymore. And I know that I fucked up for the last time, but why is this so hard?_

Hope cried every single night of their current camp, knowing that the one that got away was two doors down, yet so far away. Unreachable, at best. Ali knew by now not to come to her room until the late hours of the night, when Hope had passed out from crying. As Hope stood there on the goal line, watching Kelley, she just felt...hopeless. _That’s ironic._

During meetings, Kelley never looked Hope’s way. It had been the 15th day of camp, and by now, Hope knew not to expect friendly conversation, but it still caused her to have a pang in her chest when she would weakly smile at Kelley, and the defender would just stare at her blankly, and then turn around.

“Hope!” 

The goalkeeper was pulled away from her thoughts when she heard Jill scream her name. “Get your ass in there!” Jill yelled furiously. Hope jumped up and fumbled as she tried to put her gloves back on. Those little fuckers just were not slipping on right.

“You know what! Ashlyn stay in goal!” Jill yelled after twenty seconds of Hope fumbling with her gloves.

Hope stared in disbelief at Jill and Paul, the GK coach, and then at Ashlyn, who gave her a shrug and a sympathetic look. Hope groaned loudly in frustration and then chucked her useless gloves off into the distance over the goal.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Hope yelled out in Jill’s direction. Paul broke away from the coaches circle and jogged towards Hope.

“Hey! Calm down” Paul said as he tried to soothe Hope. The two had the longest working relationship ever, and he knew Hope was about to explode.

“Paul! What the fuck?! I was just putting on my fucking gloves!”

“Hey! Go hit the showers before you do something you regret. You hear me?” Paul said in a low voice. Hope charged at her goalkeeper coach as she felt the man challenging her. She raised her arm and was about to swing-

“Hope! Stop!”

The voice rang through the air and hit Hope. She didn’t know why, but the sound of Kelley’s begging voice was the only thing that could have stopped her from making another decision that would have landed her in jail. Or worse, off of the team. Hope shook her head and slowly backed away. She looked around at everyone’s stunned faces. No one was moving, just watching Hope’s potential demise unfold. Hope locked eyes with Kelley for a second. This was the first time that the defender actually looked at her. Hope could see the fear in her face. She was stunned as well. 

The goalkeeper felt so alone as the rest of her teammates just stared at her. Even Carli was looking at her questioningly. She walked back to her bag and then stomped off to the locker rooms.

**

Kelley was unusually quiet as the rest of the team were taking off their cleats after training, and loitering out on the fields post-practice. She was starting to feel guilty about Hope’s behavior.

“Dude, what has gotten into Hope, lately?” Lindsey said to Becky. Kelley was sitting right next to them, taking off her cleats, and she listened intently.

“Mmm. Not too sure. Hope likes to internalize things. It usually makes her perform better honestly, but this time is different. I don’t really know...” Becky shrugged.

“I mean, I know her divorce happened, but she didn’t start choking until after that. I mean, she’s the second to the last ranked keeper in the NWSL right now!” Lindsey whispered to Becky.

“I know, I know. But Hope’s a fighter. She always comes out stronger. We just have to wait.” Becky said with confidence.

Kelley stood there, feeling even more guilty. She knew that that night at her house with Hope was what had been eating away at Hope’s psyche. It killed her to see _her_ Hope go through this. _God, Kelley. STOP. You told her that this was over. You can’t go back from that now._

Kelley slowly got up and waited by Alex, who was staring at their friends, Tobin and Chris. The couple were just playfully joking with each other, looking like the most adorable fucking couple ever.

“They’re fucking nauseating, huh?” Alex said to Kelley.

“Yeah. My little babies are finally grown up though!” Kelley squealed in delight. 

“God, they’re so freaking cute!” Alex said as she pinched Kelley’s cheeks. “Gosh, I’m so happy for them. Tobs deserves it. So does Chris.Everyone deserves to be happy, huh?” Alex elbowed Kelley in the arm. Kelley nodded in agreement, but that statement catapulted her into her own drowning thoughts. Kelley just stared off towards the goal that Hope had been all practice.

_Everyone deserves to be happy._

**  
Hope angrily threw on some clothes in the locker room and sat down on the benches with her head in her hands. All of her teammates had already gone in and out of the locker room, and no doubt had taken the vans to the hotel already. Hope went to her assigned locker and found a team van car key hanging on the hook. She made a mental note to thank Carli. Her best friend knew her so well.

Hope continued to empty out the contents of her locker and into her bag. Her tape, her uniform, her cleats, her gloves-

_Fuck. My gloves._

Hope stood there silently for a few moments, cursing herself for doing something so stupid. She knew she would have to apologize to Paul. She knew that she would have to apologize to Jill. But worst of all, she would have to walk her lazy ass 300 yards back out to the field to get her gloves. She knew she had to get them because they were the only ones in her possession that did not have the name ‘Stevens’ stitched on them. Hope slammed her locker shut and made her way out to the fields, with the car key in one hand.

Hope sighed out of frustration as she made her way back to the goal on the far end of the field. It was already dark outside, and she couldn’t find her highlighter yellow gloves. She pulled out her phone and used the flashlight option to shine the ground. She still couldn’t find it. After a few rounds around the goal, Hope struck the goal post in frustration.

“Looking for these?” 

Hope looked up to see her gloves in the air. She saw someone holding them up in the distance. _Kelley._

“Yeah..” Hope said slowly. She made no steps closer to the defender though. She was unsure of how to proceed. Kelley decided to step closer.

“How have you been?” Kelley said quietly.

“Fine.” Hope responded shortly.

“Okay...”Kelley drawled out. “Do you want to tell me the truth?” Kelley said as she tilted her head to the side.She offered a weak, sad smile to her goalkeeper. Hope just stared at her for the longest time. _Why is she all of a sudden talking to me?_ Hope knew that there was a possibility that Kelley had never heard what she had to say that night. She knew that Kelley could have just rushed back to her bedroom, leaving Hope to sob and blab like an idiot on the porch. She knew that Kelley probably just ripped up the letter that she had slid so recklessly underneath the door.

She studied Kelley’s face, which was studying hers as well. She could see Kelley’s eyes darting back and forth across her face.

“What’s going on in there, Solo?” Kelley whispered and took a step closer. Hope backed up and realized that she was standing in the goal.

“Nothing.” She responded.

“Hey, just talk to me” Kelley said. Her eyes never left Hope. Hope sighed in frustration.

“I already have Kelley!” Hope yelled in her face. Her temper was starting to flare again. She was so tired of everyone. All of the time. “ I already have.” She whispered.

“I know.” Kelley whispered back. She pushed the goalkeeper gloves into Hope’s hands. “ I know.” Kelley looked up and gave Hope the saddest eyes ever. Hope quickly looked down at her gloves, knowing that if she stared into her the defender’s eyes, she would lose it. She felt Kelley’s hands briefly touch hers, and then watched as they fell to her side. She continued to stare down the gloves that she was cradling in front of her.

“Hope, please look at me”

Hope just shook her head, knowing that she wouldn’t be able to do it. If she looked into Kelley’s eyes, she would totally unravel. If she looked up, it would be the demise of her career. Kelley just did that to her. Here eyes were starting to swell with tears. She didn’t want to relive that night again. Instead she fidgeted her prized gloves. She rubbed the material in between her fingers the tears dropped down her face. Hope was hyper aware that Kelley was still standing there.

Hope moved to put her gloves in her bag, when something on the white palms of her glove caught her eyes. She didn’t look at Kelley when she furrowed her brow and pulled her gloves back out. She brought them closer to her eyes, and when she couldn’t see because it was dark out, she let the light from her phone flash on them. 

There was a little lopsided heart sloppily drawn on one glove with a sharpie. Hope’s heart jumped. She looked at the other glove. This one had words on it:

_Only if you give me 100% unfiltered you._

Hope’s eyes shot up instantly to meet Kelley’s. _She heard my letter. She stayed._ The defender was smiling and her eyes were still darting back and forth on Hope’s face.

“Hope, I-”

But Hope had stepped forward and had shut her up with a kiss. Hope lunged with such force and picked Kelley up by the waist, and Kelley wrapped her legs around the goalkeeper. Hope’s momentum backed them up all the way into the goalpost. Their lips worked fast and furious against one another. Kelley moaned into Hope’s mouth as the keeper’s tongue found entry and was gently massaging hers. Their lips worked well together as the two hungrily kissed each other. 

Kelley pulled away, breathing heavy from the passion. She still had arms wrapped around Hope’s neck as she stared into the keeper’s eyes.

“Are you mine now? Only mine?” Kelley asked quietly.

Hope nodded. “ Yes. 100% yours.”

And the two melted into each other on the field.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end.


End file.
